Sunday, July 4, 2010

10 fingers, gregory paul vondiziano, 23 gr friends in tr.

this weekend has been more than i can handle.
not only has weedle's presence been soothing and stimulating to my being here, but everyone come out has been a blessing. because everyone is here.
i list them.
(me, liz, jared, and paul (he had to leave for the netherlands yesterday because his grandfather passed away))
but weedle
kristin mchugh
kirstin hix
mitch
karie
heather
heidi
ben nof
nathaniel
joel
mag
matt walters
tiffany wang
lydia lagrydia
megan demaagd
jen banister
kevin
emily helmus

etc.
anyway, the visit has been refreshing. not only does this, in some sort of way, validate what i'm doing here (by my friends visiting), but it gives them some kind of understanding of this place. Three Rivers was, until now, isolating (geographically). It isn't anymore. Now it's a place people have spent time and come to like (somehow) (maybe).

peace

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

can't remember.


i remember the time after colin's wedding. tons of hot people were in the benjamin house for the dance-afterparty. i was glad to see weedle come over, but felt guilty for him actually being present, seeing as it obviously wasn't a good time nor his crowd. then kirstin ali and liz showed up. we danced to tiesto until we were sweating. when another song came on after, weedle and i snuck away, out of the house, into the cool of the night, on mag's moped around reeds lake, around eastown, around grand rapids. we talked about childhood houses, high heels as chains, and felt wonderful. it felt nice to feel the cool summer air and feel someone. i loved that night.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

$110 ending benjamin, wheatle, forêt

we had a yard sale today for all the furniture we don't need and made over a hundred dollars.

weedle and i have had an intense relationship, and this is our first week apart.

i've moved all my things to three rivers with paul and liz.

empire of the sun- half mast is the greatest song ever.

i'm sleeping in the benjamin house alone tonight- in the room buursma and i painted blue.

i'm anxious to get started on the farm so i can feel physically active again.

the contacts i had brought to thailand last year i had to replace because i thought they gave my eyes an allergic reaction, but i've been wearing them recently and they work fine. it must have been the thai air.

robyn got me this new laptop- it's top-of-the-line with a battery that lasts 9 hours. that's remarkable. i have all my music transferred on it, so it's appropriated now.

recent favorite words: appropriate, decadent, and eviscerate. i say each of these words daily (at least. it's a bit much).

weedle loves texting, and i have gotten fond of it.

"is it bad that the smell of smitty's brings peace to my heart?" -heidi baker

i keep telling people i will be back in grand rapids next year- possibly living with tiffany, mitchell, becca, or chad?

i had an intense conversation with robyn about me being angry with my dad at my core. she wants me to see a counselor via skype.

i want to visit france in the fall, but i don't have money.

Monday, April 26, 2010

lady gaga w/ van dyke, pamojapocalypse blackout, local food summit

Professor Van Dyke held a discussion tonight with the CD's about Lady Gaga and Madonna's identities as women in pop culture. What Lady Gaga is doing these days is stimulating to say the least- it's the most robust, assaulting artistic/cultural expression walking the line between executing precise control and being wholly reckless. Hearing what Van Dyke had to say about it all was great- she seems like a reasonable professor and is pretty insightful. What a discussion though- to be on the top of this wave of culture... consuming, gnoshing, chewing, pounding whatever is given to us the moment it exists. "Paparazzi" emerges and we are all up in arms, trying to 'figure out' what Gaga is 'saying', hanging her every word in lyric and in gesture. Then in a matter of months "Telephone" comes out and we are again astounded, welcome to the new material (new culture) to 'discern' and obsess over. It enters out conversations in the ITC, over dinner, and at Founders Mondays.

As much as it is exciting to be here, now, with this happening, all we are doing is digesting what we're being [force] fed. We're not making it, and in that sense, I feel without freedom somehow. Culture. Whatever.

Then on the way back from this discussion, I was talking with Nathaniel in his car (with Tiesto exploding on the standard 2008 Toyota speakers). He is doing a research project with Van Dyke this summer about the emergence of feminism/masculinity theory among minorities (a completely under-researched field of study). All oppressive language until this point has necessarily been via the voice of white feminists, leaving no room for other oppressed voices using much the same language, but only because they have to. Basically, Nathaniel is researching a new field, where literature is published and studied within weeks of its emergence. It sounds so interesting and so enriching, I welled up with envy just thinking about it. What a remarkable experience- to study gender with a [reasonably] accomplished academic as foundational theories are being developed. As. Right now.

This leads me to my third experience that happened over the weekend. No, it's not blacking out and the Pamojapocalypse, although that was a first. I went to the premier showing of the Eating In Place documentary about West Michigan food systems. The movie basically was a West Michigan archive of current food producers, business people, organizations all caught up in this movement about FOOD. Trillium Haven, Local First, and other foodies to name a few were all there. The room that screened the film was in the Prince Center and hundreds of people were there. It was an intense realization for me that I was a part of some kind of cultural movement similar to the Lady Gaga discussion and Nathaniel's gender research. It seemed the epitome of zeitgeist. Here we all were in a single room discussing and making headway on an 'issue' we all agreed upon. But we're not the only ones who agree- the whole nation is making this move toward local food, and we're at the front of the parade. To be present at an event like that made me a culture-maker. It made me a participant.

It is interesting to think about whether me being a part of this movement necessarily entails a reached actualization. I was doing some research today for Jeff Bouman on Jim Bosscher. In going through old Prism year books, I found such a palpable difference in the spirit of the '48 yearbook, the '71 yearbook, and the '90 yearbook.

The oldest was full of formally-dressed opposite sexes. Clubs were gendered, study was gendered, and everyone seemed intent on being a part of a working system. The idea seemed to be that it was a chance to be an adult, and working together was the most pragmatic and peaceful option. Every person's face seemed so naive and blinded with culture (a culture I don't understand). Everyone was very content and thankful to be a man or woman going to college.

The '71 yearbook was fascinating. It was paperback and read like a narrative. The photos in the book were all so artistically intentional. Sometimes not having any pragmatic value, but aesthetic value. The poems, essays, and quotes throughout the yearbook were all about changing culture, war, peace, activism, power, and understanding. Some pretty powerful words speaking towards a spirit of the time that accessed creativity in visual art, prose, and song for the purpose of critiquing an evil system. An evil bureaucratic system, an evil academic system, an evil war system. Living in that time would have been wonderful, I think. Every student seemed to access this potential to be a voice of change. Knowledge broadened your understanding of the world, and when that happened you realize the injustices and are impassioned to change.

And the '90 yearbook was the biggest disappointment. Smiling, clueless consumers getting an education with their friends. The fonts were big and playful, the art in-between the covers was statistics about how many rolls of toilet paper Calvin students consume in one year, or how many thousands of gallons of ice cream Calvin students eat in a week. The change from '71 was stark. There were no messages empowering students to be agents of change, and the aesthetic of the time seemed to be one of prescribed low-tech graphics. Whatever was handed to them at the time. Professors weren't even documented.

Considering the spirit of the ideas pounding in my mind, what else am I to do with this? I may feel like I'm a part of my culture, a part of a movement to make the world a better place, but I'm likely not. I'm a part of a movement of young people disillusioned with empowerment and privilege. There is no reason to think that I am the future. Look at how things play out- even whole movements and generations of activists are forgotten and moved-on from.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

kanji test, instrumental horse feathers, last hot toddy of the season.

at this point, i've gone on my spring break trip to three rivers with the VGR's and tomorrow we have a meeting about our (stephanie, liz, and my) seriousness with moving there next year.
i've still got an online webinar with interac next monday,
and i had a conversation with rachelle today about possible living situations in grand rapids next year.

so my hands are in three pots at this point. either way, i think i would be happy, right? but is that the objective? it sounds nice to do something with rob and kirsten because of how much it's tangential (in the way of servitude). i wouldn't get much money from it, i would essentially be living alone, and it would be to encourage rob and kirsten. although i probably could get into it, i don't see three rivers as being my focus at this point.

staying in grand rapids would be fun. living with rachelle? knowing people like hannah mast, michael rodriguez, kristen mccue, and liz would be around? plus nathaniel and heather for the fall... having a garden in sarah state's back yard... experiencing a whole season and better detox from calvin, but still staying in grand rapids... knowing the barth house isn't going anywhere... sounds comfortable. the only reason i would want to stay in grand rapids now (urgently) is to establish some kind of permanence here. then i could move away for a while and come back to something, rather than running away now before establishing an intent. i don't know what i'm talking about. but ben jackson's got a great smile.

going to japan would be nostalgic, completely severing, and feed a drastically different part of my soul that hasn't been active for some time now. am i even sure that part of me still exists? i can't imagine walking into narita and not being stirred by the "おかえりなさい"... but it could happen, conceivably. if i went to japan, i would be driving around hokkaido through rice paddies, in a japanese village, living the dream.

5 4 6 2 1 yeah right

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

smo emailed me a touche.

what's important for me to remember about this momentous email exchange with stephanie is that my perception of the energies around me doesn't validate [in any way] my experiences. my reality isn't valid. it's just not. (so much of these words as i type them are steeped in a self-centered martyrdom and self-hate... i'm a narcissistic mess... there I go again, self-impressed by how well i can put myself down).

this also goes for the pride and sense of accomplishment i've felt through my progress in understanding my insecurities. in reality, i'm sifting through years of cowardice and refusal to actually heal and communicate. and once i start slowly and silently making some mental headway, i give myself a cookie.