i have to go home for christmas, nof and nathaniel are back, my gift in the exchange is the worst.

studying in the dialogue office last night with liz was great. first i found out i could get in, they have huge macs to use, there is tons of music, i could listen to beach house, there are japanese history documentaries on youtube, liz offers such good conversation, i got tons done, i found out that you don't in fact need a c+ in a class in order to pass it, ben shoemaker let me back into the building after i had locked myself out.

net positive night.

robyn called me and has a whole event planned for this sunday (before i was willing to go home) and i felt guilted into agreeing to be back by then. i need to sit down with her and dad and explain to them how i feel about leaving grand rapids and going to glenview. i don't like it. i have a home and community here- enough for christmas. robyn is creating these 'traditions' for the family of which i don't feel a part of. i'm just not- evan may be but i'm not. i will never live in that house again and i feel pressured to want to. pressured to be invested both there and here. it's strange having to rearrange my notion of place and home- the fact that i keep typing "return home" is message enough- i still see chicago as "going back" even though I feel more comfortable here than there.

also, robyn offered to buy me a new apple for graduation? this is ridiculous, for one, but i actually could use a new computer? but not at all- the one i have now is juuuuust fine, except the internet doesn't work, the power cord started smoking today, and the headphone jack only works if it's plugged in 2mm all the way. ... but i've just mistreated this computer a lot- that's why it is the way it is. (should i request a computer now or stick it out til spring? i guess i've decided i want one. there's that.)

something to ponder---- liz' ability to see outside of our community. the ways we need grace with each other. the ways we are too idealist and too easily disappointed. let's be real.