third coast beer, arvo pärt, cries of wolves

opposed to ryne, the feeling is one of selflessness. having spent my entire life void of suffering or mourning, it's very easy to look around me and see nothing but myself. i realized this when i was 18 and vowed to never live a life where my ambitions and comforts were even considered. i was going to live selflessly, sitting with those in mourning and fighting for justice as one of them.

as moriah wrote out (with a patient hand), justice has yet to be found in chechnya and i am here in america wondering how i can start my farm.(different kinds of justice? are moriah and i on the same team?)

an attitude change needs to take place with me. there is a large part of my heart (my alive heart) that aches for those in suffering. it beats for the poor and longs to dwell with them. only there will actual life be lived- only amidst strife and injustice can true human emotion be experienced. under those human conditions, bread would be sweet and water would be life to your body.

(am i really understanding this again for the first time?)

too much of everything here in this land. over-fed, over-stimulated, over-saturated, over-

as far as my personal reaction to cries of wolves, i am overwhelmed. my heart hurts and i was near breakdown when the play ended.

why

do i feel like i have to prove that that means something to me- that these feelings i have seem to express lasting convictions. why do i keep returning to the idea of a life alone (where i am in control and i SHOW THEM with my farm and peaceful lifestyle)? where did my heart for people escape to. this is a problem.

suddenly i don't care if i ever learn to play the cello or have a garden to sustain me for a whole year. all i want to do is live with the poor and feel their pain and fight with them.

found objects, move to the attic, shochu w/ alex&buursma

Hah- I have little patience for the absurd masculinity of young american men these days. I laugh because it seems so transparent and silly to me now. Like watching birds concentrate on dances to attract a mate. They can't help it, it's just instinct.
The perfect ten game, the fascination with animals attacking each other, the helpless sexual tensions no one mentions. They all seem so ridiculous- ways to affirm our own masculinity (existing within such a narrow cultural and historical context) and each other's masculinity. Like the idea of private property (it doesn't exist), the ideas we have about masculinity don't exist- they're completely fabricated (this isn't to say that men and women are the same- they're not. it's just what we define as the sociological differences between men and women are created and enforced. i don't think we really understand the difference between the genders.)
Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about. Hopefully someday I will. And hopefully someday I will be able to live with men who understand masculinity similarly to me.

nesting at ryne's, mulled wine, frozen snow doesn't melt

funny. tonight my friend crush was actualized. i had good genuine deep conversation with ryne individually. i find a peace in him now because of how he plans to move to portland. and how he expects to expand as an artist and as a conscious. grand rapids is only here for a small bit of time------------ then comes an externalization of the internalized.

i think simply being a part of another individual's progression is beautiful. tonight made sense because i understand how us being in each others lives makes sense.

interesting that the first time i mentioned ryne came at a time where all culture and progressive life seemed ridiculous and uninteresting...

mitch the peacekeeper, 12ft christmas tree, free red wine.

home with mitchell, naturally i now realize i'm a failure. for what i think about living in community, for my post college plans, for my social skills, for my ambition to learn and understand the meaning in circumstances.

do i need a new computer, watching movies in this house is always frustrating, everything seems uncomfortable and out of place.

right now i hate the phrase, 'who you are right now is who you are.'

i don't feel in control of my actions, my thoughts, my time, my surroundings. all of it is moving without me, i missed a line of dialogue somewhere and nothing really makes sense. sometimes it does, but ultimately it doesn't.

i don't have a space here. there are too many people who live here (its like the frikkin dorms) and they're all men. i realized that i can't have the nest over to a bedroom here because there are so many people and i also don't have a bedroom. everyone thinks ben's room is ben's room and not mine. i'm completely out of there emotionally. every time ben isn't home everyone runs to claim his bed... when i assume that it's my bed because i live there too.. but it's not.. and i don't have a space to run away from people... and everyone is surrounding me

getting to know ryne better has been okay i guess- i'm still socially inept, so that doesn't help. but there are so many things that i feel like i need to scream at ryne- like how i put ideas down on paper and how hokkaido is someplace i want to be too and how living a cerebral bianary existence is not okay. but i haven't figured out a way to communicate these things, so i just try to make eye contact every once in a while, hoping he understands something.

stephanie is being probably too ridiculous- she spends too much money she doesn't have, is generally irresponsible, and needs to get away from this place.

i have to go home for christmas, nof and nathaniel are back, my gift in the exchange is the worst.

studying in the dialogue office last night with liz was great. first i found out i could get in, they have huge macs to use, there is tons of music, i could listen to beach house, there are japanese history documentaries on youtube, liz offers such good conversation, i got tons done, i found out that you don't in fact need a c+ in a class in order to pass it, ben shoemaker let me back into the building after i had locked myself out.

net positive night.

robyn called me and has a whole event planned for this sunday (before i was willing to go home) and i felt guilted into agreeing to be back by then. i need to sit down with her and dad and explain to them how i feel about leaving grand rapids and going to glenview. i don't like it. i have a home and community here- enough for christmas. robyn is creating these 'traditions' for the family of which i don't feel a part of. i'm just not- evan may be but i'm not. i will never live in that house again and i feel pressured to want to. pressured to be invested both there and here. it's strange having to rearrange my notion of place and home- the fact that i keep typing "return home" is message enough- i still see chicago as "going back" even though I feel more comfortable here than there.

also, robyn offered to buy me a new apple for graduation? this is ridiculous, for one, but i actually could use a new computer? but not at all- the one i have now is juuuuust fine, except the internet doesn't work, the power cord started smoking today, and the headphone jack only works if it's plugged in 2mm all the way. ... but i've just mistreated this computer a lot- that's why it is the way it is. (should i request a computer now or stick it out til spring? i guess i've decided i want one. there's that.)

something to ponder---- liz' ability to see outside of our community. the ways we need grace with each other. the ways we are too idealist and too easily disappointed. let's be real.

Tallest Man on Earth, exams, smo's state

I've become pretty frustrated with the house- I think this happens every semester. School stresses me out and it doesn't take much to get discontent. There are too many people living in that house and too many of those too many aren't students. Mostly Matt (and Jordan) and Jake just a bit. So much clamor and banging around and loud conversations through the walls and dozens of people slamming doors, flushing toilets, and pacing creaky floors. I most definitely will not live like this again anytime soon.

Also, I need to be more like water. Several situations have presented themselves where I act on the world in such a way that it brings me despair. My desires and desire to change things just ends poorly when it is always better to just be like the woman, the valley, dark, water. I say too much and I make too many decisions.

Also, Colin and Justin are coming out this weekend for the engagement party. Invitations call for semi-formal attire and possibly prepared toasts. Dear Colin is getting neither of these from me.

And I wrote him earlier, asking for an explanation for their engagement and he said we would talk this weekend. This makes my stomach turn.

Now is vegan pizza break with SJC in the library lobby. Whats up Liz Wroughton.