depechemode, 40 degree days, stephanie morgan troubles.

smo emailed me a touche.

what's important for me to remember about this momentous email exchange with stephanie is that my perception of the energies around me doesn't validate [in any way] my experiences. my reality isn't valid. it's just not. (so much of these words as i type them are steeped in a self-centered martyrdom and self-hate... i'm a narcissistic mess... there I go again, self-impressed by how well i can put myself down).

this also goes for the pride and sense of accomplishment i've felt through my progress in understanding my insecurities. in reality, i'm sifting through years of cowardice and refusal to actually heal and communicate. and once i start slowly and silently making some mental headway, i give myself a cookie.

third coast beer, arvo pärt, cries of wolves

opposed to ryne, the feeling is one of selflessness. having spent my entire life void of suffering or mourning, it's very easy to look around me and see nothing but myself. i realized this when i was 18 and vowed to never live a life where my ambitions and comforts were even considered. i was going to live selflessly, sitting with those in mourning and fighting for justice as one of them.

as moriah wrote out (with a patient hand), justice has yet to be found in chechnya and i am here in america wondering how i can start my farm.(different kinds of justice? are moriah and i on the same team?)

an attitude change needs to take place with me. there is a large part of my heart (my alive heart) that aches for those in suffering. it beats for the poor and longs to dwell with them. only there will actual life be lived- only amidst strife and injustice can true human emotion be experienced. under those human conditions, bread would be sweet and water would be life to your body.

(am i really understanding this again for the first time?)

too much of everything here in this land. over-fed, over-stimulated, over-saturated, over-

as far as my personal reaction to cries of wolves, i am overwhelmed. my heart hurts and i was near breakdown when the play ended.

why

do i feel like i have to prove that that means something to me- that these feelings i have seem to express lasting convictions. why do i keep returning to the idea of a life alone (where i am in control and i SHOW THEM with my farm and peaceful lifestyle)? where did my heart for people escape to. this is a problem.

suddenly i don't care if i ever learn to play the cello or have a garden to sustain me for a whole year. all i want to do is live with the poor and feel their pain and fight with them.

found objects, move to the attic, shochu w/ alex&buursma

Hah- I have little patience for the absurd masculinity of young american men these days. I laugh because it seems so transparent and silly to me now. Like watching birds concentrate on dances to attract a mate. They can't help it, it's just instinct.
The perfect ten game, the fascination with animals attacking each other, the helpless sexual tensions no one mentions. They all seem so ridiculous- ways to affirm our own masculinity (existing within such a narrow cultural and historical context) and each other's masculinity. Like the idea of private property (it doesn't exist), the ideas we have about masculinity don't exist- they're completely fabricated (this isn't to say that men and women are the same- they're not. it's just what we define as the sociological differences between men and women are created and enforced. i don't think we really understand the difference between the genders.)
Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about. Hopefully someday I will. And hopefully someday I will be able to live with men who understand masculinity similarly to me.

nesting at ryne's, mulled wine, frozen snow doesn't melt

funny. tonight my friend crush was actualized. i had good genuine deep conversation with ryne individually. i find a peace in him now because of how he plans to move to portland. and how he expects to expand as an artist and as a conscious. grand rapids is only here for a small bit of time------------ then comes an externalization of the internalized.

i think simply being a part of another individual's progression is beautiful. tonight made sense because i understand how us being in each others lives makes sense.

interesting that the first time i mentioned ryne came at a time where all culture and progressive life seemed ridiculous and uninteresting...

mitch the peacekeeper, 12ft christmas tree, free red wine.

home with mitchell, naturally i now realize i'm a failure. for what i think about living in community, for my post college plans, for my social skills, for my ambition to learn and understand the meaning in circumstances.

do i need a new computer, watching movies in this house is always frustrating, everything seems uncomfortable and out of place.

right now i hate the phrase, 'who you are right now is who you are.'

i don't feel in control of my actions, my thoughts, my time, my surroundings. all of it is moving without me, i missed a line of dialogue somewhere and nothing really makes sense. sometimes it does, but ultimately it doesn't.

i don't have a space here. there are too many people who live here (its like the frikkin dorms) and they're all men. i realized that i can't have the nest over to a bedroom here because there are so many people and i also don't have a bedroom. everyone thinks ben's room is ben's room and not mine. i'm completely out of there emotionally. every time ben isn't home everyone runs to claim his bed... when i assume that it's my bed because i live there too.. but it's not.. and i don't have a space to run away from people... and everyone is surrounding me

getting to know ryne better has been okay i guess- i'm still socially inept, so that doesn't help. but there are so many things that i feel like i need to scream at ryne- like how i put ideas down on paper and how hokkaido is someplace i want to be too and how living a cerebral bianary existence is not okay. but i haven't figured out a way to communicate these things, so i just try to make eye contact every once in a while, hoping he understands something.

stephanie is being probably too ridiculous- she spends too much money she doesn't have, is generally irresponsible, and needs to get away from this place.