kanji test, instrumental horse feathers, last hot toddy of the season.

at this point, i've gone on my spring break trip to three rivers with the VGR's and tomorrow we have a meeting about our (stephanie, liz, and my) seriousness with moving there next year.

i've still got an online webinar with interac next monday,

and i had a conversation with rachelle today about possible living situations in grand rapids next year.

so my hands are in three pots at this point. either way, i think i would be happy, right? but is that the objective? it sounds nice to do something with rob and kirsten because of how much it's tangential (in the way of servitude). i wouldn't get much money from it, i would essentially be living alone, and it would be to encourage rob and kirsten. although i probably could get into it, i don't see three rivers as being my focus at this point.

staying in grand rapids would be fun. living with rachelle? knowing people like hannah mast, michael rodriguez, kristen mccue, and liz would be around? plus nathaniel and heather for the fall... having a garden in sarah state's back yard... experiencing a whole season and better detox from calvin, but still staying in grand rapids... knowing the barth house isn't going anywhere... sounds comfortable. the only reason i would want to stay in grand rapids now (urgently) is to establish some kind of permanence here. then i could move away for a while and come back to something, rather than running away now before establishing an intent. i don't know what i'm talking about. but ben jackson's got a great smile.

going to japan would be nostalgic, completely severing, and feed a drastically different part of my soul that hasn't been active for some time now. am i even sure that part of me still exists? i can't imagine walking into narita and not being stirred by the "おかえりなさい"... but it could happen, conceivably. if i went to japan, i would be driving around hokkaido through rice paddies, in a japanese village, living the dream.

5 4 6 2 1 yeah right

depechemode, 40 degree days, stephanie morgan troubles.

smo emailed me a touche.

what's important for me to remember about this momentous email exchange with stephanie is that my perception of the energies around me doesn't validate [in any way] my experiences. my reality isn't valid. it's just not. (so much of these words as i type them are steeped in a self-centered martyrdom and self-hate... i'm a narcissistic mess... there I go again, self-impressed by how well i can put myself down).

this also goes for the pride and sense of accomplishment i've felt through my progress in understanding my insecurities. in reality, i'm sifting through years of cowardice and refusal to actually heal and communicate. and once i start slowly and silently making some mental headway, i give myself a cookie.

third coast beer, arvo pärt, cries of wolves

opposed to ryne, the feeling is one of selflessness. having spent my entire life void of suffering or mourning, it's very easy to look around me and see nothing but myself. i realized this when i was 18 and vowed to never live a life where my ambitions and comforts were even considered. i was going to live selflessly, sitting with those in mourning and fighting for justice as one of them.

as moriah wrote out (with a patient hand), justice has yet to be found in chechnya and i am here in america wondering how i can start my farm.(different kinds of justice? are moriah and i on the same team?)

an attitude change needs to take place with me. there is a large part of my heart (my alive heart) that aches for those in suffering. it beats for the poor and longs to dwell with them. only there will actual life be lived- only amidst strife and injustice can true human emotion be experienced. under those human conditions, bread would be sweet and water would be life to your body.

(am i really understanding this again for the first time?)

too much of everything here in this land. over-fed, over-stimulated, over-saturated, over-

as far as my personal reaction to cries of wolves, i am overwhelmed. my heart hurts and i was near breakdown when the play ended.

why

do i feel like i have to prove that that means something to me- that these feelings i have seem to express lasting convictions. why do i keep returning to the idea of a life alone (where i am in control and i SHOW THEM with my farm and peaceful lifestyle)? where did my heart for people escape to. this is a problem.

suddenly i don't care if i ever learn to play the cello or have a garden to sustain me for a whole year. all i want to do is live with the poor and feel their pain and fight with them.

found objects, move to the attic, shochu w/ alex&buursma

Hah- I have little patience for the absurd masculinity of young american men these days. I laugh because it seems so transparent and silly to me now. Like watching birds concentrate on dances to attract a mate. They can't help it, it's just instinct.
The perfect ten game, the fascination with animals attacking each other, the helpless sexual tensions no one mentions. They all seem so ridiculous- ways to affirm our own masculinity (existing within such a narrow cultural and historical context) and each other's masculinity. Like the idea of private property (it doesn't exist), the ideas we have about masculinity don't exist- they're completely fabricated (this isn't to say that men and women are the same- they're not. it's just what we define as the sociological differences between men and women are created and enforced. i don't think we really understand the difference between the genders.)
Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about. Hopefully someday I will. And hopefully someday I will be able to live with men who understand masculinity similarly to me.

nesting at ryne's, mulled wine, frozen snow doesn't melt

funny. tonight my friend crush was actualized. i had good genuine deep conversation with ryne individually. i find a peace in him now because of how he plans to move to portland. and how he expects to expand as an artist and as a conscious. grand rapids is only here for a small bit of time------------ then comes an externalization of the internalized.

i think simply being a part of another individual's progression is beautiful. tonight made sense because i understand how us being in each others lives makes sense.

interesting that the first time i mentioned ryne came at a time where all culture and progressive life seemed ridiculous and uninteresting...

mitch the peacekeeper, 12ft christmas tree, free red wine.

home with mitchell, naturally i now realize i'm a failure. for what i think about living in community, for my post college plans, for my social skills, for my ambition to learn and understand the meaning in circumstances.