estranged laptop, sleeping with an octopus, fight the filth- keep the kitchen clean

For some reason, I've been realizing how different my relationship with this computer machine is. I used to find solace in it, turning to its keys for therapy and comfort; turning to its music for inspiration and nostalgia; turning to its connection for joy and understanding. However, I have felt very disconnected from this laptop since returning from Thailand. I forget I have it. I don't consider listening to music and I'm not as excited as I once was. I don't think to cathartically express each thought in its own sticky box. This change is strange for me. 

Talking with dad yesterday was interesting. I had forgotten, as I always do, what living in Glenview felt like. Values are dramatically different, days are structured around different events, people talk about different ideas, the physical space we live in and how we interact with it is different, entertainment is different, the energy is different.

Generally, since I've been back and since school has begun, I have felt out of sorts. I am not moved in to my bedroom, the house seems a work in progress, my mind hasn't yet come to terms with taking classes, but my relationships seem in order. I have been focusing on spending time with people- cooking good meals, sharing them, visiting founders and friends' social functions. It may be unbalanced, but how I make these decisions isn't even questioned for me. Homework just has to fit around having dinner with Alexander and Mitchell. Never would it be the other way around. 

'tchell's protein intake and how that leads to the G20 and my angry reactionary motivation. 

Also, I just emailed Broene about getting a therapist. 

Anna & Toby, Evan & Jordan, thought for food

Trained out to Devner, drove back 17 hours with Anna and Toby, had a crazy evening last night consisting of:

All 3 Hoover children,

Lauren Dillon,

a nice dinner,

Evan returning,

Lindsay and I making signs for Evan's returning,

Lindsay telling stories about meeting the Bears,

Peter and I dumpster diving, listening to Sigur Ros, getting pulled over, and Robyn getting excited about it.

Stephanie is canceling her phone plan and i'm a little worried about her- she is always so discontent and i can't imagine her ever being happy. she's also really irresponsible and i dont know if that's a gift or a vice. probably both.

i haven't done any planning for the puppet show- 1. stop motion, 2. dream machine, 3. cosmia

something needs to happen. hopefully ev can help me put something tangible together.

i have 3 jobs (through the slc) in the fall and i'm stressed about organizing the community garden. i'm gonna do a bad job, i can just tell. shit. at least i got that organic growing vegetable book.

i wonder if we'll do our pilgramage. i found information about boats and they're expensive. but it looks like they at least exist, so that's good.

thinking about next year and the future, i could be in GR (ngo? americorps? other?), I could be doing peace corps (doubt it), teach english somewhere (kindof doubt it), I want to live in the netherlands sometime but I dont know how unrealistic that is... probably extremely unrealistic, or i could just wwoof all over the place... but that doesn't pay the bills... I am hestitant thinking about the future because I don't know how to factor my friends into my plans. I could easily go off somewhere by myself, that is for sure.

i just need to farm to better understand and prepare to be a farmer,

i need to live in europe to see how paths are made and bridges are built and reasonability is lived,

i need to save money,

i need to figure out a way to speak some other language because english is lame,

i need to live in community and be surrounded by lovers.

red wine, 150 moving away party, lukedot

it is amazing and disturbing how much my perception of this space has changed. this house- my interactions with it, my familiarity with it. i remember it feeling so astranged from human life (something a home should be intimately connected to) and so overwhelmingly large. i couldn't keep track of it, it's energy was too much to keep in my conscious at once.

however, after hosting that party today and feeling more ownership of this place, i realized how comfortable i've become here. i am able to see myself existing in this place and i've adapted into a realm of functionality- it's amazing. given enough time, we people can adjust to just about any space.

1st day running, should get a planner, riceboy sleeps

pedriac (specific living plan)

william's culture (childhood suburban vs prarie... creativity, human development)

aging (narrowed focus, outcome assumtions, innocence?)

the violence of everything i'm surrounded with is overwhelming. and my pretending only makes my sensitivity to this violence even worse. there are latino workers in our back yard right now, pulling up bricks and laying different ones. we had breakfast yesterday with anna and bryan (robyn's flapjacks, bacon/corn/fossil fuels, hormone-pumped underdeveloped eggs, rye toast 19 days old (but preserved by science), butter made of corn and chemicals, orange juice from florida (harvested and squeezed by immigrants), and god knows what else). the workers were in the back yard, the windows and doors were open, and we sat down for this meal in utter silence. there was only a clatter of bricks out back that robyn's disgusted face was all too aware of. it was in that moment that i knew kevin could never come over and neither could siekmeier. they wouldn't be able to bear it, the extremity of this life. nothing is real here. everyone is so wrapped up in themselves and their own wealth that any notion of pure justice, goodness, actuality is blotted and drowned out. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of having to explain myself, having to appologize, having to repress every other word and thought. i feel dead, nothing is okay. robyn is not green, my father is not wise, william is not alive, peter is not himself. i hate this.

i had a vision while we were camping- a vision of some kind of shelter where i was able to dwell in peace and truth. there was a garden of flowers, an apron, wild mushrooms, stephanie visiting, music, community, love, honest and open communication, simplicity, no sexual expectations or lines, comfortable, real, human. everything that is not this.

but at the same time, as i am more and more aware of social inequality just outside the front door, i feel more and more pressed to not isolate myself.

lifestyle a: everything is how i want it, and i'm not connected tothe poor. i'm just living in community with people like me, and we're not active in society.

lifestyle b: i apply my desires to live this way to social justice. refugees, immigrants, the poor in spirit. this is why i either need to learn spanish or keep up my thai. and learn french.

atonement, noftzger, train tracks are federal property

i need to write about

my father's true self,

ben's playing bloc party while my dad was around/calling me out on shit,

nate's felt pressure. (because i care)

Dad- I've been meaning to tell you this for some time now. I hope you understand my words and they are sensible and good. This message isn't for other people, it is for you. It doesn't make sense for other people, it makes sense for you. Please understand that I love you, I am your son, and I know you- I have been watching you since I was young and able to be attentive.

Dad, I hope you never learn to text message. It is a useless, silly, fleeting means of feigned communication that you musn't waste your concentration on (your fingers were made like they are, not to press cell phone buttons, but to touch wood and make things). That also goes for learning to work switches and buttons and screens and remotes. I hope you never have to be wearied by these ridiculous technologies. Don't listen to all the words around you, please, and feel obligated to have and utalize these luxuries/burdens. They are simply expensive, meaningless jewels that demand your attention, time, and life. They will break and rust, and spending time trying to understand them will not enrich your life. You know this is true.

You don't need power windows in the car (they just break and are fussy. and how would you fix that?). The house should be colder in the winter time (put on a sweater) and hotter in the summer time (you shouldn't have to wear socks).

You are not a business man. Your feet don't even physically fit into a business man's shoes- this should be reason enough. You don't like the surface-level, silly, fake conversations that are steeped in pride, feelings of entitlement, and greed. You like talking with the humble men and women of this world- those with their feet on the ground. Those who serve. Those who are in love. Those who you love and those who love you, who would sacrifice and give without question. That is where the poor in spirit lie. A community of believers with melted hearts, seeking to bring redemtion to creation (through action) instead of seeking to keep themselves comfortable. You were not made for spread sheets, business meetings, and financial goals/management/gain.

You are meticulous and organized because that's what it takes to carve a chest of drawers. You love working with your hands, not with post-it's and dollars and cents. You are a carpenter. You love the natural simplicity of creation- the outdoors. Taking a walk, dragging dead branches, watching the bats bring night in, listening to thunder with a cigar, laughing at pea-brained squirrels, smelling sycamore leaves falling, watering tomatoes, setting charlotte loose in a field.

You love simplicity because it makes sense, because it is good, because it's what Christ loves.

Sorry if any of this offended you, but someone needed to say it.

sunken river ship, summer cocktail, broken bose

pittsburgh, pennsylvania: over 900 bridges (according to chacha), intimidating and proud residents, many different kinds of friends.
i've sweat a lot since i've been here. first it was because of seeing colin again. second was because i felt confused and overwhelmed. third because i was seeing mickey again. fourth because i didn't know how i was getting back home. but now all (most) of those issues have passed- 'time is a healer', as they say.
{ stephanie josephina }- -good. positive. i'm glad we're together right now.
{ mickey humpula }- -interesting, good, okay, unexpected, understandable. i have mostly been surprised at how two people can be isolated on a farm as workers like we were, get to know each other pretty well, separate (because we both have lives to lead, i guess), then connect again like we are supposed to connect again. riding around the city with him has been just a surprise at how connections between two hearts can be made and remembered. i'm sure we could have never seen each other again and it would have been unspoken and alright, but that hasn't happened. whatever connected us was apparently strong enough to keep us reasonably present in each other's minds. interesting. i wonder what it's for and what it will lead to.
{ colin dinsmore albright }- -ssaowuehflksdcniwyefbnwodcmowuebgnfvoijwmeociwoefubijn
i set up my bed near his, but he moved his because he wanted to play music and i couldn't sleep and i wanted my head to be not higher than his and i wanted to be there, but it wasn't good and i couldn't sleep well anyway, so i moved downstairs. we're not going to connect. he was why i came here. i'm disappointed. maybe there's nothing to connect about- why should i expect to connect with another person just because i expect to? that doesn't make any sense.

went to waynsburgh with ben,kevin,heidi,heather. went to groovies, saw transformers, made gooseberry pie, slept outside, made a fire, got my hair cut, met jeremy czec, and it was important and positive.

rozzin, coat of many colors, sparrows

there was just a moment when i was reading a healthy email from megan smith, listening to music in the sparrows window, and saw natalie ride by with a saw tied to her back. it was at that moment that i loved my life.