william's culture (childhood suburban vs prarie... creativity, human development)
aging (narrowed focus, outcome assumtions, innocence?)
the violence of everything i'm surrounded with is overwhelming. and my pretending only makes my sensitivity to this violence even worse. there are latino workers in our back yard right now, pulling up bricks and laying different ones. we had breakfast yesterday with anna and bryan (robyn's flapjacks, bacon/corn/fossil fuels, hormone-pumped underdeveloped eggs, rye toast 19 days old (but preserved by science), butter made of corn and chemicals, orange juice from florida (harvested and squeezed by immigrants), and god knows what else). the workers were in the back yard, the windows and doors were open, and we sat down for this meal in utter silence. there was only a clatter of bricks out back that robyn's disgusted face was all too aware of. it was in that moment that i knew kevin could never come over and neither could siekmeier. they wouldn't be able to bear it, the extremity of this life. nothing is real here. everyone is so wrapped up in themselves and their own wealth that any notion of pure justice, goodness, actuality is blotted and drowned out. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of having to explain myself, having to appologize, having to repress every other word and thought. i feel dead, nothing is okay. robyn is not green, my father is not wise, william is not alive, peter is not himself. i hate this.
i had a vision while we were camping- a vision of some kind of shelter where i was able to dwell in peace and truth. there was a garden of flowers, an apron, wild mushrooms, stephanie visiting, music, community, love, honest and open communication, simplicity, no sexual expectations or lines, comfortable, real, human. everything that is not this.
but at the same time, as i am more and more aware of social inequality just outside the front door, i feel more and more pressed to not isolate myself.
lifestyle a: everything is how i want it, and i'm not connected tothe poor. i'm just living in community with people like me, and we're not active in society.
lifestyle b: i apply my desires to live this way to social justice. refugees, immigrants, the poor in spirit. this is why i either need to learn spanish or keep up my thai. and learn french.
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