sippin a four-one-seven, matt is destroying the livinroom, jackie is coming for dinner tomorrow

how have i developed to a place where i have no grace for people? when my way isn't seen, i erupt with all kinds of rationalized criticism (all of it internalized). lately i've been consumed with it. if anyone in my house does anything contrary to how i think it should be done, i'm overwhelmed with frustration no matter how small the offense. it gets to a point where i can't even process a thought or stand to be around people. no one knows i think this, and i'm glad for it- if people knew what i thought of them, unnecessary damage would be done for sure. instead, all of this frustration just comes out in really passive aggressive ways, and more and more i'm finding myself verbalizing it. this scares me. what if i can't get my thoughts under control? how has my character regressed into this? how much more could i be a person living fully if i embodied grace... if my soul forgave offenses. it's so apparent to me that this energy is tearing me apart from the inside out. i won't be able to hold it in much longer. i'll snap and all kinds of unwarranted frustration will come spilling out.

instead i wish to be filled with love and grace and generosity and forgiveness. who am i to decide these things about what my friends 'need to learn'? do i actually think that frugality and hoarding all my things that i value will bring me happiness instead of being generous with them? everything i have has been given to me.