suspended ladder in community closet, jk's in attic, blue ribbon cattle in my belly

buursma just makes too much noise every time he goes to bed and wakes up. i'd rather pull the sleeping pad in here where i'm guaranteed some peace and quiet. alexander and jake don't talk much upstairs, and mitchell is a silent slave to his desk lamp-lit book. recently i've become very impatient with this place. so impatient i frighten myself. a few days ago i almost had a nervous breakdown, overwhelmed at the noise, mess, implications of everything. i think it started with matt's idea to begin some kind of christian commune next year. it would involve a half-way house, guys and girls living quarters, lots of prayer, and general chaos. maybe i'm burnt out on the whole 'co-op' lifestyle, but it sounded to me like the worst idea i'd ever heard. but mitchell's response was surprising- later he started telling me about how excited and hopeful he was- he listed each person potentially living in that future house and how each of them could pitch-in in some way. i wasn't listed, which didn't bother me. but it got my mind reeling about next year. the future. what if my friends all went and did something i wasn't attracted to? would i bail? why am i so turned off by the idea of more intentional (christian) community? am i turning into the adult that wants his or her own space and things and cars and sign-in accounts? this scared me a bit and it's importance was furthered by two separate happenings. 1) muppets from space, gonzo and kermit, gonzo almost leaving and then deciding that his friends were his home. 2) gail heffner literally said to me, "you just want to make sure that after you graduate you keep living with people that will push you to grow and not become stagnant in self-interest." so basically i don't know how i got this way. more and more i've been remembering why i loved japan- the privacy and consideration of it all is so attractive. just positioning yourself into a place of perpetual humility and bowing. stepping backwards. overly considerate. social harmony. i'm sure this would get to me, but right now the idea of human beings coexisting in such harmony sounds remarkable and i'd love to be a part of it, especially when buursma is slamming doors and zipping his backpack in the morning.