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i resigned a little bit today. started filling out an application for jet. for me, this represents giving up on communal living with these people. it's interesting because things in the house haven't even been bad like they were last year. things have been generally good- but even so, i question how much i really want this. evident in my peace corps and jet considerations.
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today i realized why i haven't had good relations with jake. he doesn't seem genuine in our interactions. not open to receiving me. his little comments at me that everyone notices aren't what i'm unsettled about- the gender, indie, intellectual comments. people seem to just assume i get upset at someone giving me a hard time. but when friends and family give me a hard time, it has quite a different affect on me. i feel seen and loved- there must be something in my life that needs shedding light on and because it comes from a trusted source, the whole thing is good. but jake doesn't know me. his observations are a little off. it's not that he is striking a chord that stings with truth, because he's not doing that at all. it's obvious he's making generalizations about me and taking whacks at those assumptions. and they are close enough to the truth that i understand how he came to those conclusions.
and because he seems to be the one talking in our relationship, i don't see his mind changing anytime soon. which doesn't bother me, considering i applied for jet today...
simply put, it's the difference between your sister making a false assumption about you and a stranger making a false assumption about you. with your sister, you understand she knows you and her assuming could be seen as a comfort- she is considering you, she sees you. so you probably would care about correcting that assumption, or at least talking about it. but with a stranger, you mutter "hey you don't know me" and walk away rolling your eyes.
but you have to wonder what it is about you that caused someone to assume something.
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