mitch the peacekeeper, 12ft christmas tree, free red wine.

home with mitchell, naturally i now realize i'm a failure. for what i think about living in community, for my post college plans, for my social skills, for my ambition to learn and understand the meaning in circumstances.

do i need a new computer, watching movies in this house is always frustrating, everything seems uncomfortable and out of place.

right now i hate the phrase, 'who you are right now is who you are.'

i don't feel in control of my actions, my thoughts, my time, my surroundings. all of it is moving without me, i missed a line of dialogue somewhere and nothing really makes sense. sometimes it does, but ultimately it doesn't.

i don't have a space here. there are too many people who live here (its like the frikkin dorms) and they're all men. i realized that i can't have the nest over to a bedroom here because there are so many people and i also don't have a bedroom. everyone thinks ben's room is ben's room and not mine. i'm completely out of there emotionally. every time ben isn't home everyone runs to claim his bed... when i assume that it's my bed because i live there too.. but it's not.. and i don't have a space to run away from people... and everyone is surrounding me

getting to know ryne better has been okay i guess- i'm still socially inept, so that doesn't help. but there are so many things that i feel like i need to scream at ryne- like how i put ideas down on paper and how hokkaido is someplace i want to be too and how living a cerebral bianary existence is not okay. but i haven't figured out a way to communicate these things, so i just try to make eye contact every once in a while, hoping he understands something.

stephanie is being probably too ridiculous- she spends too much money she doesn't have, is generally irresponsible, and needs to get away from this place.

i have to go home for christmas, nof and nathaniel are back, my gift in the exchange is the worst.

studying in the dialogue office last night with liz was great. first i found out i could get in, they have huge macs to use, there is tons of music, i could listen to beach house, there are japanese history documentaries on youtube, liz offers such good conversation, i got tons done, i found out that you don't in fact need a c+ in a class in order to pass it, ben shoemaker let me back into the building after i had locked myself out.

net positive night.

robyn called me and has a whole event planned for this sunday (before i was willing to go home) and i felt guilted into agreeing to be back by then. i need to sit down with her and dad and explain to them how i feel about leaving grand rapids and going to glenview. i don't like it. i have a home and community here- enough for christmas. robyn is creating these 'traditions' for the family of which i don't feel a part of. i'm just not- evan may be but i'm not. i will never live in that house again and i feel pressured to want to. pressured to be invested both there and here. it's strange having to rearrange my notion of place and home- the fact that i keep typing "return home" is message enough- i still see chicago as "going back" even though I feel more comfortable here than there.

also, robyn offered to buy me a new apple for graduation? this is ridiculous, for one, but i actually could use a new computer? but not at all- the one i have now is juuuuust fine, except the internet doesn't work, the power cord started smoking today, and the headphone jack only works if it's plugged in 2mm all the way. ... but i've just mistreated this computer a lot- that's why it is the way it is. (should i request a computer now or stick it out til spring? i guess i've decided i want one. there's that.)

something to ponder---- liz' ability to see outside of our community. the ways we need grace with each other. the ways we are too idealist and too easily disappointed. let's be real.

Tallest Man on Earth, exams, smo's state

I've become pretty frustrated with the house- I think this happens every semester. School stresses me out and it doesn't take much to get discontent. There are too many people living in that house and too many of those too many aren't students. Mostly Matt (and Jordan) and Jake just a bit. So much clamor and banging around and loud conversations through the walls and dozens of people slamming doors, flushing toilets, and pacing creaky floors. I most definitely will not live like this again anytime soon.

Also, I need to be more like water. Several situations have presented themselves where I act on the world in such a way that it brings me despair. My desires and desire to change things just ends poorly when it is always better to just be like the woman, the valley, dark, water. I say too much and I make too many decisions.

Also, Colin and Justin are coming out this weekend for the engagement party. Invitations call for semi-formal attire and possibly prepared toasts. Dear Colin is getting neither of these from me.

And I wrote him earlier, asking for an explanation for their engagement and he said we would talk this weekend. This makes my stomach turn.

Now is vegan pizza break with SJC in the library lobby. Whats up Liz Wroughton.

beau, jk's' bible, hot cider

i am no longer able to control how i perceive myself in my interactions with other people. i spend so much time in my head, thinking about interactions and relationships, that once actual conversations take place, my ideas about how i view them and how they view me and how i think they view me and how i think they think i view them becomes a convoluted mess.
i need to learn grace? maybe my lifestyle has become so narcissistic that i couldn't even think selflessly if i wanted to.

mamer, osso string quartet, liz peru

i feel sad. mamer's music hits me at a strange angle because the melodies are so sweet while the voice is so dark and raw. the collapse of a culture and its language and art is something to mourn and that seems like what mamer is singing about.

+

i resigned a little bit today. started filling out an application for jet. for me, this represents giving up on communal living with these people. it's interesting because things in the house haven't even been bad like they were last year. things have been generally good- but even so, i question how much i really want this. evident in my peace corps and jet considerations.

+

today i realized why i haven't had good relations with jake. he doesn't seem genuine in our interactions. not open to receiving me. his little comments at me that everyone notices aren't what i'm unsettled about- the gender, indie, intellectual comments. people seem to just assume i get upset at someone giving me a hard time. but when friends and family give me a hard time, it has quite a different affect on me. i feel seen and loved- there must be something in my life that needs shedding light on and because it comes from a trusted source, the whole thing is good. but jake doesn't know me. his observations are a little off. it's not that he is striking a chord that stings with truth, because he's not doing that at all. it's obvious he's making generalizations about me and taking whacks at those assumptions. and they are close enough to the truth that i understand how he came to those conclusions.

and because he seems to be the one talking in our relationship, i don't see his mind changing anytime soon. which doesn't bother me, considering i applied for jet today...

simply put, it's the difference between your sister making a false assumption about you and a stranger making a false assumption about you. with your sister, you understand she knows you and her assuming could be seen as a comfort- she is considering you, she sees you. so you probably would care about correcting that assumption, or at least talking about it. but with a stranger, you mutter "hey you don't know me" and walk away rolling your eyes.

but you have to wonder what it is about you that caused someone to assume something.

sippin a four-one-seven, matt is destroying the livinroom, jackie is coming for dinner tomorrow

how have i developed to a place where i have no grace for people? when my way isn't seen, i erupt with all kinds of rationalized criticism (all of it internalized). lately i've been consumed with it. if anyone in my house does anything contrary to how i think it should be done, i'm overwhelmed with frustration no matter how small the offense. it gets to a point where i can't even process a thought or stand to be around people. no one knows i think this, and i'm glad for it- if people knew what i thought of them, unnecessary damage would be done for sure. instead, all of this frustration just comes out in really passive aggressive ways, and more and more i'm finding myself verbalizing it. this scares me. what if i can't get my thoughts under control? how has my character regressed into this? how much more could i be a person living fully if i embodied grace... if my soul forgave offenses. it's so apparent to me that this energy is tearing me apart from the inside out. i won't be able to hold it in much longer. i'll snap and all kinds of unwarranted frustration will come spilling out.

instead i wish to be filled with love and grace and generosity and forgiveness. who am i to decide these things about what my friends 'need to learn'? do i actually think that frugality and hoarding all my things that i value will bring me happiness instead of being generous with them? everything i have has been given to me.