i have to go home for christmas, nof and nathaniel are back, my gift in the exchange is the worst.

studying in the dialogue office last night with liz was great. first i found out i could get in, they have huge macs to use, there is tons of music, i could listen to beach house, there are japanese history documentaries on youtube, liz offers such good conversation, i got tons done, i found out that you don't in fact need a c+ in a class in order to pass it, ben shoemaker let me back into the building after i had locked myself out.

net positive night.

robyn called me and has a whole event planned for this sunday (before i was willing to go home) and i felt guilted into agreeing to be back by then. i need to sit down with her and dad and explain to them how i feel about leaving grand rapids and going to glenview. i don't like it. i have a home and community here- enough for christmas. robyn is creating these 'traditions' for the family of which i don't feel a part of. i'm just not- evan may be but i'm not. i will never live in that house again and i feel pressured to want to. pressured to be invested both there and here. it's strange having to rearrange my notion of place and home- the fact that i keep typing "return home" is message enough- i still see chicago as "going back" even though I feel more comfortable here than there.

also, robyn offered to buy me a new apple for graduation? this is ridiculous, for one, but i actually could use a new computer? but not at all- the one i have now is juuuuust fine, except the internet doesn't work, the power cord started smoking today, and the headphone jack only works if it's plugged in 2mm all the way. ... but i've just mistreated this computer a lot- that's why it is the way it is. (should i request a computer now or stick it out til spring? i guess i've decided i want one. there's that.)

something to ponder---- liz' ability to see outside of our community. the ways we need grace with each other. the ways we are too idealist and too easily disappointed. let's be real.

Tallest Man on Earth, exams, smo's state

I've become pretty frustrated with the house- I think this happens every semester. School stresses me out and it doesn't take much to get discontent. There are too many people living in that house and too many of those too many aren't students. Mostly Matt (and Jordan) and Jake just a bit. So much clamor and banging around and loud conversations through the walls and dozens of people slamming doors, flushing toilets, and pacing creaky floors. I most definitely will not live like this again anytime soon.

Also, I need to be more like water. Several situations have presented themselves where I act on the world in such a way that it brings me despair. My desires and desire to change things just ends poorly when it is always better to just be like the woman, the valley, dark, water. I say too much and I make too many decisions.

Also, Colin and Justin are coming out this weekend for the engagement party. Invitations call for semi-formal attire and possibly prepared toasts. Dear Colin is getting neither of these from me.

And I wrote him earlier, asking for an explanation for their engagement and he said we would talk this weekend. This makes my stomach turn.

Now is vegan pizza break with SJC in the library lobby. Whats up Liz Wroughton.

beau, jk's' bible, hot cider

i am no longer able to control how i perceive myself in my interactions with other people. i spend so much time in my head, thinking about interactions and relationships, that once actual conversations take place, my ideas about how i view them and how they view me and how i think they view me and how i think they think i view them becomes a convoluted mess.
i need to learn grace? maybe my lifestyle has become so narcissistic that i couldn't even think selflessly if i wanted to.

mamer, osso string quartet, liz peru

i feel sad. mamer's music hits me at a strange angle because the melodies are so sweet while the voice is so dark and raw. the collapse of a culture and its language and art is something to mourn and that seems like what mamer is singing about.

+

i resigned a little bit today. started filling out an application for jet. for me, this represents giving up on communal living with these people. it's interesting because things in the house haven't even been bad like they were last year. things have been generally good- but even so, i question how much i really want this. evident in my peace corps and jet considerations.

+

today i realized why i haven't had good relations with jake. he doesn't seem genuine in our interactions. not open to receiving me. his little comments at me that everyone notices aren't what i'm unsettled about- the gender, indie, intellectual comments. people seem to just assume i get upset at someone giving me a hard time. but when friends and family give me a hard time, it has quite a different affect on me. i feel seen and loved- there must be something in my life that needs shedding light on and because it comes from a trusted source, the whole thing is good. but jake doesn't know me. his observations are a little off. it's not that he is striking a chord that stings with truth, because he's not doing that at all. it's obvious he's making generalizations about me and taking whacks at those assumptions. and they are close enough to the truth that i understand how he came to those conclusions.

and because he seems to be the one talking in our relationship, i don't see his mind changing anytime soon. which doesn't bother me, considering i applied for jet today...

simply put, it's the difference between your sister making a false assumption about you and a stranger making a false assumption about you. with your sister, you understand she knows you and her assuming could be seen as a comfort- she is considering you, she sees you. so you probably would care about correcting that assumption, or at least talking about it. but with a stranger, you mutter "hey you don't know me" and walk away rolling your eyes.

but you have to wonder what it is about you that caused someone to assume something.

sippin a four-one-seven, matt is destroying the livinroom, jackie is coming for dinner tomorrow

how have i developed to a place where i have no grace for people? when my way isn't seen, i erupt with all kinds of rationalized criticism (all of it internalized). lately i've been consumed with it. if anyone in my house does anything contrary to how i think it should be done, i'm overwhelmed with frustration no matter how small the offense. it gets to a point where i can't even process a thought or stand to be around people. no one knows i think this, and i'm glad for it- if people knew what i thought of them, unnecessary damage would be done for sure. instead, all of this frustration just comes out in really passive aggressive ways, and more and more i'm finding myself verbalizing it. this scares me. what if i can't get my thoughts under control? how has my character regressed into this? how much more could i be a person living fully if i embodied grace... if my soul forgave offenses. it's so apparent to me that this energy is tearing me apart from the inside out. i won't be able to hold it in much longer. i'll snap and all kinds of unwarranted frustration will come spilling out.

instead i wish to be filled with love and grace and generosity and forgiveness. who am i to decide these things about what my friends 'need to learn'? do i actually think that frugality and hoarding all my things that i value will bring me happiness instead of being generous with them? everything i have has been given to me.

suspended ladder in community closet, jk's in attic, blue ribbon cattle in my belly

buursma just makes too much noise every time he goes to bed and wakes up. i'd rather pull the sleeping pad in here where i'm guaranteed some peace and quiet. alexander and jake don't talk much upstairs, and mitchell is a silent slave to his desk lamp-lit book. recently i've become very impatient with this place. so impatient i frighten myself. a few days ago i almost had a nervous breakdown, overwhelmed at the noise, mess, implications of everything. i think it started with matt's idea to begin some kind of christian commune next year. it would involve a half-way house, guys and girls living quarters, lots of prayer, and general chaos. maybe i'm burnt out on the whole 'co-op' lifestyle, but it sounded to me like the worst idea i'd ever heard. but mitchell's response was surprising- later he started telling me about how excited and hopeful he was- he listed each person potentially living in that future house and how each of them could pitch-in in some way. i wasn't listed, which didn't bother me. but it got my mind reeling about next year. the future. what if my friends all went and did something i wasn't attracted to? would i bail? why am i so turned off by the idea of more intentional (christian) community? am i turning into the adult that wants his or her own space and things and cars and sign-in accounts? this scared me a bit and it's importance was furthered by two separate happenings. 1) muppets from space, gonzo and kermit, gonzo almost leaving and then deciding that his friends were his home. 2) gail heffner literally said to me, "you just want to make sure that after you graduate you keep living with people that will push you to grow and not become stagnant in self-interest." so basically i don't know how i got this way. more and more i've been remembering why i loved japan- the privacy and consideration of it all is so attractive. just positioning yourself into a place of perpetual humility and bowing. stepping backwards. overly considerate. social harmony. i'm sure this would get to me, but right now the idea of human beings coexisting in such harmony sounds remarkable and i'd love to be a part of it, especially when buursma is slamming doors and zipping his backpack in the morning.

estranged laptop, sleeping with an octopus, fight the filth- keep the kitchen clean

For some reason, I've been realizing how different my relationship with this computer machine is. I used to find solace in it, turning to its keys for therapy and comfort; turning to its music for inspiration and nostalgia; turning to its connection for joy and understanding. However, I have felt very disconnected from this laptop since returning from Thailand. I forget I have it. I don't consider listening to music and I'm not as excited as I once was. I don't think to cathartically express each thought in its own sticky box. This change is strange for me. 

Talking with dad yesterday was interesting. I had forgotten, as I always do, what living in Glenview felt like. Values are dramatically different, days are structured around different events, people talk about different ideas, the physical space we live in and how we interact with it is different, entertainment is different, the energy is different.

Generally, since I've been back and since school has begun, I have felt out of sorts. I am not moved in to my bedroom, the house seems a work in progress, my mind hasn't yet come to terms with taking classes, but my relationships seem in order. I have been focusing on spending time with people- cooking good meals, sharing them, visiting founders and friends' social functions. It may be unbalanced, but how I make these decisions isn't even questioned for me. Homework just has to fit around having dinner with Alexander and Mitchell. Never would it be the other way around. 

'tchell's protein intake and how that leads to the G20 and my angry reactionary motivation. 

Also, I just emailed Broene about getting a therapist.