Sunday, July 4, 2010

10 fingers, gregory paul vondiziano, 23 gr friends in tr.

this weekend has been more than i can handle.
not only has weedle's presence been soothing and stimulating to my being here, but everyone come out has been a blessing. because everyone is here.
i list them.
(me, liz, jared, and paul (he had to leave for the netherlands yesterday because his grandfather passed away))
but weedle
kristin mchugh
kirstin hix
mitch
karie
heather
heidi
ben nof
nathaniel
joel
mag
matt walters
tiffany wang
lydia lagrydia
megan demaagd
jen banister
kevin
emily helmus

etc.
anyway, the visit has been refreshing. not only does this, in some sort of way, validate what i'm doing here (by my friends visiting), but it gives them some kind of understanding of this place. Three Rivers was, until now, isolating (geographically). It isn't anymore. Now it's a place people have spent time and come to like (somehow) (maybe).

peace

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

can't remember.


i remember the time after colin's wedding. tons of hot people were in the benjamin house for the dance-afterparty. i was glad to see weedle come over, but felt guilty for him actually being present, seeing as it obviously wasn't a good time nor his crowd. then kirstin ali and liz showed up. we danced to tiesto until we were sweating. when another song came on after, weedle and i snuck away, out of the house, into the cool of the night, on mag's moped around reeds lake, around eastown, around grand rapids. we talked about childhood houses, high heels as chains, and felt wonderful. it felt nice to feel the cool summer air and feel someone. i loved that night.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

$110 ending benjamin, wheatle, forêt

we had a yard sale today for all the furniture we don't need and made over a hundred dollars.

weedle and i have had an intense relationship, and this is our first week apart.

i've moved all my things to three rivers with paul and liz.

empire of the sun- half mast is the greatest song ever.

i'm sleeping in the benjamin house alone tonight- in the room buursma and i painted blue.

i'm anxious to get started on the farm so i can feel physically active again.

the contacts i had brought to thailand last year i had to replace because i thought they gave my eyes an allergic reaction, but i've been wearing them recently and they work fine. it must have been the thai air.

robyn got me this new laptop- it's top-of-the-line with a battery that lasts 9 hours. that's remarkable. i have all my music transferred on it, so it's appropriated now.

recent favorite words: appropriate, decadent, and eviscerate. i say each of these words daily (at least. it's a bit much).

weedle loves texting, and i have gotten fond of it.

"is it bad that the smell of smitty's brings peace to my heart?" -heidi baker

i keep telling people i will be back in grand rapids next year- possibly living with tiffany, mitchell, becca, or chad?

i had an intense conversation with robyn about me being angry with my dad at my core. she wants me to see a counselor via skype.

i want to visit france in the fall, but i don't have money.

Monday, April 26, 2010

lady gaga w/ van dyke, pamojapocalypse blackout, local food summit

Professor Van Dyke held a discussion tonight with the CD's about Lady Gaga and Madonna's identities as women in pop culture. What Lady Gaga is doing these days is stimulating to say the least- it's the most robust, assaulting artistic/cultural expression walking the line between executing precise control and being wholly reckless. Hearing what Van Dyke had to say about it all was great- she seems like a reasonable professor and is pretty insightful. What a discussion though- to be on the top of this wave of culture... consuming, gnoshing, chewing, pounding whatever is given to us the moment it exists. "Paparazzi" emerges and we are all up in arms, trying to 'figure out' what Gaga is 'saying', hanging her every word in lyric and in gesture. Then in a matter of months "Telephone" comes out and we are again astounded, welcome to the new material (new culture) to 'discern' and obsess over. It enters out conversations in the ITC, over dinner, and at Founders Mondays.

As much as it is exciting to be here, now, with this happening, all we are doing is digesting what we're being [force] fed. We're not making it, and in that sense, I feel without freedom somehow. Culture. Whatever.

Then on the way back from this discussion, I was talking with Nathaniel in his car (with Tiesto exploding on the standard 2008 Toyota speakers). He is doing a research project with Van Dyke this summer about the emergence of feminism/masculinity theory among minorities (a completely under-researched field of study). All oppressive language until this point has necessarily been via the voice of white feminists, leaving no room for other oppressed voices using much the same language, but only because they have to. Basically, Nathaniel is researching a new field, where literature is published and studied within weeks of its emergence. It sounds so interesting and so enriching, I welled up with envy just thinking about it. What a remarkable experience- to study gender with a [reasonably] accomplished academic as foundational theories are being developed. As. Right now.

This leads me to my third experience that happened over the weekend. No, it's not blacking out and the Pamojapocalypse, although that was a first. I went to the premier showing of the Eating In Place documentary about West Michigan food systems. The movie basically was a West Michigan archive of current food producers, business people, organizations all caught up in this movement about FOOD. Trillium Haven, Local First, and other foodies to name a few were all there. The room that screened the film was in the Prince Center and hundreds of people were there. It was an intense realization for me that I was a part of some kind of cultural movement similar to the Lady Gaga discussion and Nathaniel's gender research. It seemed the epitome of zeitgeist. Here we all were in a single room discussing and making headway on an 'issue' we all agreed upon. But we're not the only ones who agree- the whole nation is making this move toward local food, and we're at the front of the parade. To be present at an event like that made me a culture-maker. It made me a participant.

It is interesting to think about whether me being a part of this movement necessarily entails a reached actualization. I was doing some research today for Jeff Bouman on Jim Bosscher. In going through old Prism year books, I found such a palpable difference in the spirit of the '48 yearbook, the '71 yearbook, and the '90 yearbook.

The oldest was full of formally-dressed opposite sexes. Clubs were gendered, study was gendered, and everyone seemed intent on being a part of a working system. The idea seemed to be that it was a chance to be an adult, and working together was the most pragmatic and peaceful option. Every person's face seemed so naive and blinded with culture (a culture I don't understand). Everyone was very content and thankful to be a man or woman going to college.

The '71 yearbook was fascinating. It was paperback and read like a narrative. The photos in the book were all so artistically intentional. Sometimes not having any pragmatic value, but aesthetic value. The poems, essays, and quotes throughout the yearbook were all about changing culture, war, peace, activism, power, and understanding. Some pretty powerful words speaking towards a spirit of the time that accessed creativity in visual art, prose, and song for the purpose of critiquing an evil system. An evil bureaucratic system, an evil academic system, an evil war system. Living in that time would have been wonderful, I think. Every student seemed to access this potential to be a voice of change. Knowledge broadened your understanding of the world, and when that happened you realize the injustices and are impassioned to change.

And the '90 yearbook was the biggest disappointment. Smiling, clueless consumers getting an education with their friends. The fonts were big and playful, the art in-between the covers was statistics about how many rolls of toilet paper Calvin students consume in one year, or how many thousands of gallons of ice cream Calvin students eat in a week. The change from '71 was stark. There were no messages empowering students to be agents of change, and the aesthetic of the time seemed to be one of prescribed low-tech graphics. Whatever was handed to them at the time. Professors weren't even documented.

Considering the spirit of the ideas pounding in my mind, what else am I to do with this? I may feel like I'm a part of my culture, a part of a movement to make the world a better place, but I'm likely not. I'm a part of a movement of young people disillusioned with empowerment and privilege. There is no reason to think that I am the future. Look at how things play out- even whole movements and generations of activists are forgotten and moved-on from.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

kanji test, instrumental horse feathers, last hot toddy of the season.

at this point, i've gone on my spring break trip to three rivers with the VGR's and tomorrow we have a meeting about our (stephanie, liz, and my) seriousness with moving there next year.
i've still got an online webinar with interac next monday,
and i had a conversation with rachelle today about possible living situations in grand rapids next year.

so my hands are in three pots at this point. either way, i think i would be happy, right? but is that the objective? it sounds nice to do something with rob and kirsten because of how much it's tangential (in the way of servitude). i wouldn't get much money from it, i would essentially be living alone, and it would be to encourage rob and kirsten. although i probably could get into it, i don't see three rivers as being my focus at this point.

staying in grand rapids would be fun. living with rachelle? knowing people like hannah mast, michael rodriguez, kristen mccue, and liz would be around? plus nathaniel and heather for the fall... having a garden in sarah state's back yard... experiencing a whole season and better detox from calvin, but still staying in grand rapids... knowing the barth house isn't going anywhere... sounds comfortable. the only reason i would want to stay in grand rapids now (urgently) is to establish some kind of permanence here. then i could move away for a while and come back to something, rather than running away now before establishing an intent. i don't know what i'm talking about. but ben jackson's got a great smile.

going to japan would be nostalgic, completely severing, and feed a drastically different part of my soul that hasn't been active for some time now. am i even sure that part of me still exists? i can't imagine walking into narita and not being stirred by the "おかえりなさい"... but it could happen, conceivably. if i went to japan, i would be driving around hokkaido through rice paddies, in a japanese village, living the dream.

5 4 6 2 1 yeah right

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

smo emailed me a touche.

what's important for me to remember about this momentous email exchange with stephanie is that my perception of the energies around me doesn't validate [in any way] my experiences. my reality isn't valid. it's just not. (so much of these words as i type them are steeped in a self-centered martyrdom and self-hate... i'm a narcissistic mess... there I go again, self-impressed by how well i can put myself down).

this also goes for the pride and sense of accomplishment i've felt through my progress in understanding my insecurities. in reality, i'm sifting through years of cowardice and refusal to actually heal and communicate. and once i start slowly and silently making some mental headway, i give myself a cookie.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

third coast beer, arvo pärt, cries of wolves

opposed to ryne, the feeling is one of selflessness. having spent my entire life void of suffering or mourning, it's very easy to look around me and see nothing but myself. i realized this when i was 18 and vowed to never live a life where my ambitions and comforts were even considered. i was going to live selflessly, sitting with those in mourning and fighting for justice as one of them.


as moriah wrote out (with a patient hand), justice has yet to be found in chechnya and i am here in america wondering how i can start my farm.(different kinds of justice? are moriah and i on the same team?)


an attitude change needs to take place with me. there is a large part of my heart (my alive heart) that aches for those in suffering. it beats for the poor and longs to dwell with them. only there will actual life be lived- only amidst strife and injustice can true human emotion be experienced. under those human conditions, bread would be sweet and water would be life to your body.

(am i really understanding this again for the first time?)

too much of everything here in this land. over-fed, over-stimulated, over-saturated, over-


as far as my personal reaction to cries of wolves, i am overwhelmed. my heart hurts and i was near breakdown when the play ended.

why

do i feel like i have to prove that that means something to me- that these feelings i have seem to express lasting convictions. why do i keep returning to the idea of a life alone (where i am in control and i SHOW THEM with my farm and peaceful lifestyle)? where did my heart for people escape to. this is a problem.


suddenly i don't care if i ever learn to play the cello or have a garden to sustain me for a whole year. all i want to do is live with the poor and feel their pain and fight with them.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

found objects, move to the attic, shochu w/ alex&buursma

Hah- I have little patience for the absurd masculinity of young american men these days. I laugh because it seems so transparent and silly to me now. Like watching birds concentrate on dances to attract a mate. They can't help it, it's just instinct.
The perfect ten game, the fascination with animals attacking each other, the helpless sexual tensions no one mentions. They all seem so ridiculous- ways to affirm our own masculinity (existing within such a narrow cultural and historical context) and each other's masculinity. Like the idea of private property (it doesn't exist), the ideas we have about masculinity don't exist- they're completely fabricated (this isn't to say that men and women are the same- they're not. it's just what we define as the sociological differences between men and women are created and enforced. i don't think we really understand the difference between the genders.)
Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about. Hopefully someday I will. And hopefully someday I will be able to live with men who understand masculinity similarly to me.

Friday, January 8, 2010

nesting at ryne's, mulled wine, frozen snow doesn't melt

funny. tonight my friend crush was actualized. i had good genuine deep conversation with ryne individually. i find a peace in him now because of how he plans to move to portland. and how he expects to expand as an artist and as a conscious. grand rapids is only here for a small bit of time------------ then comes an externalization of the internalized.

i think simply being a part of another individual's progression is beautiful. tonight made sense because i understand how us being in each others lives makes sense.


interesting that the first time i mentioned ryne came at a time where all culture and progressive life seemed ridiculous and uninteresting...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

mitch the peacekeeper, 12ft christmas tree, free red wine.

home with mitchell, naturally i now realize i'm a failure. for what i think about living in community, for my post college plans, for my social skills, for my ambition to learn and understand the meaning in circumstances.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

do i need a new computer, watching movies in this house is always frustrating, everything seems uncomfortable and out of place.

right now i hate the phrase, 'who you are right now is who you are.'
i don't feel in control of my actions, my thoughts, my time, my surroundings. all of it is moving without me, i missed a line of dialogue somewhere and nothing really makes sense. sometimes it does, but ultimately it doesn't.
i don't have a space here. there are too many people who live here (its like the frikkin dorms) and they're all men. i realized that i can't have the nest over to a bedroom here because there are so many people and i also don't have a bedroom. everyone thinks ben's room is ben's room and not mine. i'm completely out of there emotionally. every time ben isn't home everyone runs to claim his bed... when i assume that it's my bed because i live there too.. but it's not.. and i don't have a space to run away from people... and everyone is surrounding me
getting to know ryne better has been okay i guess- i'm still socially inept, so that doesn't help. but there are so many things that i feel like i need to scream at ryne- like how i put ideas down on paper and how hokkaido is someplace i want to be too and how living a cerebral bianary existence is not okay. but i haven't figured out a way to communicate these things, so i just try to make eye contact every once in a while, hoping he understands something.
stephanie is being probably too ridiculous- she spends too much money she doesn't have, is generally irresponsible, and needs to get away from this place.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

i have to go home for christmas, nof and nathaniel are back, my gift in the exchange is the worst.

studying in the dialogue office last night with liz was great. first i found out i could get in, they have huge macs to use, there is tons of music, i could listen to beach house, there are japanese history documentaries on youtube, liz offers such good conversation, i got tons done, i found out that you don't in fact need a c+ in a class in order to pass it, ben shoemaker let me back into the building after i had locked myself out.
net positive night.

robyn called me and has a whole event planned for this sunday (before i was willing to go home) and i felt guilted into agreeing to be back by then. i need to sit down with her and dad and explain to them how i feel about leaving grand rapids and going to glenview. i don't like it. i have a home and community here- enough for christmas. robyn is creating these 'traditions' for the family of which i don't feel a part of. i'm just not- evan may be but i'm not. i will never live in that house again and i feel pressured to want to. pressured to be invested both there and here. it's strange having to rearrange my notion of place and home- the fact that i keep typing "return home" is message enough- i still see chicago as "going back" even though I feel more comfortable here than there.

also, robyn offered to buy me a new apple for graduation? this is ridiculous, for one, but i actually could use a new computer? but not at all- the one i have now is juuuuust fine, except the internet doesn't work, the power cord started smoking today, and the headphone jack only works if it's plugged in 2mm all the way. ... but i've just mistreated this computer a lot- that's why it is the way it is. (should i request a computer now or stick it out til spring? i guess i've decided i want one. there's that.)

something to ponder---- liz' ability to see outside of our community. the ways we need grace with each other. the ways we are too idealist and too easily disappointed. let's be real.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tallest Man on Earth, exams, smo's state

I've become pretty frustrated with the house- I think this happens every semester. School stresses me out and it doesn't take much to get discontent. There are too many people living in that house and too many of those too many aren't students. Mostly Matt (and Jordan) and Jake just a bit. So much clamor and banging around and loud conversations through the walls and dozens of people slamming doors, flushing toilets, and pacing creaky floors. I most definitely will not live like this again anytime soon.

Also, I need to be more like water. Several situations have presented themselves where I act on the world in such a way that it brings me despair. My desires and desire to change things just ends poorly when it is always better to just be like the woman, the valley, dark, water. I say too much and I make too many decisions.

Also, Colin and Justin are coming out this weekend for the engagement party. Invitations call for semi-formal attire and possibly prepared toasts. Dear Colin is getting neither of these from me.
And I wrote him earlier, asking for an explanation for their engagement and he said we would talk this weekend. This makes my stomach turn.

Now is vegan pizza break with SJC in the library lobby. Whats up Liz Wroughton.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

beau, jk's' bible, hot cider

i am no longer able to control how i perceive myself in my interactions with other people. i spend so much time in my head, thinking about interactions and relationships, that once actual conversations take place, my ideas about how i view them and how they view me and how i think they view me and how i think they think i view them becomes a convoluted mess.
i need to learn grace? maybe my lifestyle has become so narcissistic that i couldn't even think selflessly if i wanted to.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

mamer, osso string quartet, liz peru

i feel sad. mamer's music hits me at a strange angle because the melodies are so sweet while the voice is so dark and raw. the collapse of a culture and its language and art is something to mourn and that seems like what mamer is singing about.
+
i resigned a little bit today. started filling out an application for jet. for me, this represents giving up on communal living with these people. it's interesting because things in the house haven't even been bad like they were last year. things have been generally good- but even so, i question how much i really want this. evident in my peace corps and jet considerations.
+
today i realized why i haven't had good relations with jake. he doesn't seem genuine in our interactions. not open to receiving me. his little comments at me that everyone notices aren't what i'm unsettled about- the gender, indie, intellectual comments. people seem to just assume i get upset at someone giving me a hard time. but when friends and family give me a hard time, it has quite a different affect on me. i feel seen and loved- there must be something in my life that needs shedding light on and because it comes from a trusted source, the whole thing is good. but jake doesn't know me. his observations are a little off. it's not that he is striking a chord that stings with truth, because he's not doing that at all. it's obvious he's making generalizations about me and taking whacks at those assumptions. and they are close enough to the truth that i understand how he came to those conclusions.
and because he seems to be the one talking in our relationship, i don't see his mind changing anytime soon. which doesn't bother me, considering i applied for jet today...
simply put, it's the difference between your sister making a false assumption about you and a stranger making a false assumption about you. with your sister, you understand she knows you and her assuming could be seen as a comfort- she is considering you, she sees you. so you probably would care about correcting that assumption, or at least talking about it. but with a stranger, you mutter "hey you don't know me" and walk away rolling your eyes.

but you have to wonder what it is about you that caused someone to assume something.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

sippin a four-one-seven, matt is destroying the livinroom, jackie is coming for dinner tomorrow

how have i developed to a place where i have no grace for people? when my way isn't seen, i erupt with all kinds of rationalized criticism (all of it internalized). lately i've been consumed with it. if anyone in my house does anything contrary to how i think it should be done, i'm overwhelmed with frustration no matter how small the offense. it gets to a point where i can't even process a thought or stand to be around people. no one knows i think this, and i'm glad for it- if people knew what i thought of them, unnecessary damage would be done for sure. instead, all of this frustration just comes out in really passive aggressive ways, and more and more i'm finding myself verbalizing it. this scares me. what if i can't get my thoughts under control? how has my character regressed into this? how much more could i be a person living fully if i embodied grace... if my soul forgave offenses. it's so apparent to me that this energy is tearing me apart from the inside out. i won't be able to hold it in much longer. i'll snap and all kinds of unwarranted frustration will come spilling out.
instead i wish to be filled with love and grace and generosity and forgiveness. who am i to decide these things about what my friends 'need to learn'? do i actually think that frugality and hoarding all my things that i value will bring me happiness instead of being generous with them? everything i have has been given to me.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

suspended ladder in community closet, jk's in attic, blue ribbon cattle in my belly

buursma just makes too much noise every time he goes to bed and wakes up. i'd rather pull the sleeping pad in here where i'm guaranteed some peace and quiet. alexander and jake don't talk much upstairs, and mitchell is a silent slave to his desk lamp-lit book. recently i've become very impatient with this place. so impatient i frighten myself. a few days ago i almost had a nervous breakdown, overwhelmed at the noise, mess, implications of everything. i think it started with matt's idea to begin some kind of christian commune next year. it would involve a half-way house, guys and girls living quarters, lots of prayer, and general chaos. maybe i'm burnt out on the whole 'co-op' lifestyle, but it sounded to me like the worst idea i'd ever heard. but mitchell's response was surprising- later he started telling me about how excited and hopeful he was- he listed each person potentially living in that future house and how each of them could pitch-in in some way. i wasn't listed, which didn't bother me. but it got my mind reeling about next year. the future. what if my friends all went and did something i wasn't attracted to? would i bail? why am i so turned off by the idea of more intentional (christian) community? am i turning into the adult that wants his or her own space and things and cars and sign-in accounts? this scared me a bit and it's importance was furthered by two separate happenings. 1) muppets from space, gonzo and kermit, gonzo almost leaving and then deciding that his friends were his home. 2) gail heffner literally said to me, "you just want to make sure that after you graduate you keep living with people that will push you to grow and not become stagnant in self-interest." so basically i don't know how i got this way. more and more i've been remembering why i loved japan- the privacy and consideration of it all is so attractive. just positioning yourself into a place of perpetual humility and bowing. stepping backwards. overly considerate. social harmony. i'm sure this would get to me, but right now the idea of human beings coexisting in such harmony sounds remarkable and i'd love to be a part of it, especially when buursma is slamming doors and zipping his backpack in the morning.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

estranged laptop, sleeping with an octopus, fight the filth- keep the kitchen clean

For some reason, I've been realizing how different my relationship with this computer machine is. I used to find solace in it, turning to its keys for therapy and comfort; turning to its music for inspiration and nostalgia; turning to its connection for joy and understanding. However, I have felt very disconnected from this laptop since returning from Thailand. I forget I have it. I don't consider listening to music and I'm not as excited as I once was. I don't think to cathartically express each thought in its own sticky box. This change is strange for me. 

Talking with dad yesterday was interesting. I had forgotten, as I always do, what living in Glenview felt like. Values are dramatically different, days are structured around different events, people talk about different ideas, the physical space we live in and how we interact with it is different, entertainment is different, the energy is different.

Generally, since I've been back and since school has begun, I have felt out of sorts. I am not moved in to my bedroom, the house seems a work in progress, my mind hasn't yet come to terms with taking classes, but my relationships seem in order. I have been focusing on spending time with people- cooking good meals, sharing them, visiting founders and friends' social functions. It may be unbalanced, but how I make these decisions isn't even questioned for me. Homework just has to fit around having dinner with Alexander and Mitchell. Never would it be the other way around. 

'tchell's protein intake and how that leads to the G20 and my angry reactionary motivation. 

Also, I just emailed Broene about getting a therapist. 

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Anna & Toby, Evan & Jordan, thought for food

Trained out to Devner, drove back 17 hours with Anna and Toby, had a crazy evening last night consisting of:
All 3 Hoover children,
Lauren Dillon,
a nice dinner,
Evan returning,
Lindsay and I making signs for Evan's returning,
Lindsay telling stories about meeting the Bears,
Peter and I dumpster diving, listening to Sigur Ros, getting pulled over, and Robyn getting excited about it.

Stephanie is canceling her phone plan and i'm a little worried about her- she is always so discontent and i can't imagine her ever being happy. she's also really irresponsible and i dont know if that's a gift or a vice. probably both.

i haven't done any planning for the puppet show- 1. stop motion, 2. dream machine, 3. cosmia
something needs to happen. hopefully ev can help me put something tangible together.

i have 3 jobs (through the slc) in the fall and i'm stressed about organizing the community garden. i'm gonna do a bad job, i can just tell. shit. at least i got that organic growing vegetable book.

i wonder if we'll do our pilgramage. i found information about boats and they're expensive. but it looks like they at least exist, so that's good.

thinking about next year and the future, i could be in GR (ngo? americorps? other?), I could be doing peace corps (doubt it), teach english somewhere (kindof doubt it), I want to live in the netherlands sometime but I dont know how unrealistic that is... probably extremely unrealistic, or i could just wwoof all over the place... but that doesn't pay the bills... I am hestitant thinking about the future because I don't know how to factor my friends into my plans. I could easily go off somewhere by myself, that is for sure.

i just need to farm to better understand and prepare to be a farmer,
i need to live in europe to see how paths are made and bridges are built and reasonability is lived,
i need to save money,
i need to figure out a way to speak some other language because english is lame,
i need to live in community and be surrounded by lovers.