mitch the peacekeeper, 12ft christmas tree, free red wine.

home with mitchell, naturally i now realize i'm a failure. for what i think about living in community, for my post college plans, for my social skills, for my ambition to learn and understand the meaning in circumstances.

do i need a new computer, watching movies in this house is always frustrating, everything seems uncomfortable and out of place.

right now i hate the phrase, 'who you are right now is who you are.'

i don't feel in control of my actions, my thoughts, my time, my surroundings. all of it is moving without me, i missed a line of dialogue somewhere and nothing really makes sense. sometimes it does, but ultimately it doesn't.

i don't have a space here. there are too many people who live here (its like the frikkin dorms) and they're all men. i realized that i can't have the nest over to a bedroom here because there are so many people and i also don't have a bedroom. everyone thinks ben's room is ben's room and not mine. i'm completely out of there emotionally. every time ben isn't home everyone runs to claim his bed... when i assume that it's my bed because i live there too.. but it's not.. and i don't have a space to run away from people... and everyone is surrounding me

getting to know ryne better has been okay i guess- i'm still socially inept, so that doesn't help. but there are so many things that i feel like i need to scream at ryne- like how i put ideas down on paper and how hokkaido is someplace i want to be too and how living a cerebral bianary existence is not okay. but i haven't figured out a way to communicate these things, so i just try to make eye contact every once in a while, hoping he understands something.

stephanie is being probably too ridiculous- she spends too much money she doesn't have, is generally irresponsible, and needs to get away from this place.

i have to go home for christmas, nof and nathaniel are back, my gift in the exchange is the worst.

studying in the dialogue office last night with liz was great. first i found out i could get in, they have huge macs to use, there is tons of music, i could listen to beach house, there are japanese history documentaries on youtube, liz offers such good conversation, i got tons done, i found out that you don't in fact need a c+ in a class in order to pass it, ben shoemaker let me back into the building after i had locked myself out.

net positive night.

robyn called me and has a whole event planned for this sunday (before i was willing to go home) and i felt guilted into agreeing to be back by then. i need to sit down with her and dad and explain to them how i feel about leaving grand rapids and going to glenview. i don't like it. i have a home and community here- enough for christmas. robyn is creating these 'traditions' for the family of which i don't feel a part of. i'm just not- evan may be but i'm not. i will never live in that house again and i feel pressured to want to. pressured to be invested both there and here. it's strange having to rearrange my notion of place and home- the fact that i keep typing "return home" is message enough- i still see chicago as "going back" even though I feel more comfortable here than there.

also, robyn offered to buy me a new apple for graduation? this is ridiculous, for one, but i actually could use a new computer? but not at all- the one i have now is juuuuust fine, except the internet doesn't work, the power cord started smoking today, and the headphone jack only works if it's plugged in 2mm all the way. ... but i've just mistreated this computer a lot- that's why it is the way it is. (should i request a computer now or stick it out til spring? i guess i've decided i want one. there's that.)

something to ponder---- liz' ability to see outside of our community. the ways we need grace with each other. the ways we are too idealist and too easily disappointed. let's be real.

Tallest Man on Earth, exams, smo's state

I've become pretty frustrated with the house- I think this happens every semester. School stresses me out and it doesn't take much to get discontent. There are too many people living in that house and too many of those too many aren't students. Mostly Matt (and Jordan) and Jake just a bit. So much clamor and banging around and loud conversations through the walls and dozens of people slamming doors, flushing toilets, and pacing creaky floors. I most definitely will not live like this again anytime soon.

Also, I need to be more like water. Several situations have presented themselves where I act on the world in such a way that it brings me despair. My desires and desire to change things just ends poorly when it is always better to just be like the woman, the valley, dark, water. I say too much and I make too many decisions.

Also, Colin and Justin are coming out this weekend for the engagement party. Invitations call for semi-formal attire and possibly prepared toasts. Dear Colin is getting neither of these from me.

And I wrote him earlier, asking for an explanation for their engagement and he said we would talk this weekend. This makes my stomach turn.

Now is vegan pizza break with SJC in the library lobby. Whats up Liz Wroughton.

beau, jk's' bible, hot cider

i am no longer able to control how i perceive myself in my interactions with other people. i spend so much time in my head, thinking about interactions and relationships, that once actual conversations take place, my ideas about how i view them and how they view me and how i think they view me and how i think they think i view them becomes a convoluted mess.
i need to learn grace? maybe my lifestyle has become so narcissistic that i couldn't even think selflessly if i wanted to.

mamer, osso string quartet, liz peru

i feel sad. mamer's music hits me at a strange angle because the melodies are so sweet while the voice is so dark and raw. the collapse of a culture and its language and art is something to mourn and that seems like what mamer is singing about.

+

i resigned a little bit today. started filling out an application for jet. for me, this represents giving up on communal living with these people. it's interesting because things in the house haven't even been bad like they were last year. things have been generally good- but even so, i question how much i really want this. evident in my peace corps and jet considerations.

+

today i realized why i haven't had good relations with jake. he doesn't seem genuine in our interactions. not open to receiving me. his little comments at me that everyone notices aren't what i'm unsettled about- the gender, indie, intellectual comments. people seem to just assume i get upset at someone giving me a hard time. but when friends and family give me a hard time, it has quite a different affect on me. i feel seen and loved- there must be something in my life that needs shedding light on and because it comes from a trusted source, the whole thing is good. but jake doesn't know me. his observations are a little off. it's not that he is striking a chord that stings with truth, because he's not doing that at all. it's obvious he's making generalizations about me and taking whacks at those assumptions. and they are close enough to the truth that i understand how he came to those conclusions.

and because he seems to be the one talking in our relationship, i don't see his mind changing anytime soon. which doesn't bother me, considering i applied for jet today...

simply put, it's the difference between your sister making a false assumption about you and a stranger making a false assumption about you. with your sister, you understand she knows you and her assuming could be seen as a comfort- she is considering you, she sees you. so you probably would care about correcting that assumption, or at least talking about it. but with a stranger, you mutter "hey you don't know me" and walk away rolling your eyes.

but you have to wonder what it is about you that caused someone to assume something.

sippin a four-one-seven, matt is destroying the livinroom, jackie is coming for dinner tomorrow

how have i developed to a place where i have no grace for people? when my way isn't seen, i erupt with all kinds of rationalized criticism (all of it internalized). lately i've been consumed with it. if anyone in my house does anything contrary to how i think it should be done, i'm overwhelmed with frustration no matter how small the offense. it gets to a point where i can't even process a thought or stand to be around people. no one knows i think this, and i'm glad for it- if people knew what i thought of them, unnecessary damage would be done for sure. instead, all of this frustration just comes out in really passive aggressive ways, and more and more i'm finding myself verbalizing it. this scares me. what if i can't get my thoughts under control? how has my character regressed into this? how much more could i be a person living fully if i embodied grace... if my soul forgave offenses. it's so apparent to me that this energy is tearing me apart from the inside out. i won't be able to hold it in much longer. i'll snap and all kinds of unwarranted frustration will come spilling out.

instead i wish to be filled with love and grace and generosity and forgiveness. who am i to decide these things about what my friends 'need to learn'? do i actually think that frugality and hoarding all my things that i value will bring me happiness instead of being generous with them? everything i have has been given to me.

suspended ladder in community closet, jk's in attic, blue ribbon cattle in my belly

buursma just makes too much noise every time he goes to bed and wakes up. i'd rather pull the sleeping pad in here where i'm guaranteed some peace and quiet. alexander and jake don't talk much upstairs, and mitchell is a silent slave to his desk lamp-lit book. recently i've become very impatient with this place. so impatient i frighten myself. a few days ago i almost had a nervous breakdown, overwhelmed at the noise, mess, implications of everything. i think it started with matt's idea to begin some kind of christian commune next year. it would involve a half-way house, guys and girls living quarters, lots of prayer, and general chaos. maybe i'm burnt out on the whole 'co-op' lifestyle, but it sounded to me like the worst idea i'd ever heard. but mitchell's response was surprising- later he started telling me about how excited and hopeful he was- he listed each person potentially living in that future house and how each of them could pitch-in in some way. i wasn't listed, which didn't bother me. but it got my mind reeling about next year. the future. what if my friends all went and did something i wasn't attracted to? would i bail? why am i so turned off by the idea of more intentional (christian) community? am i turning into the adult that wants his or her own space and things and cars and sign-in accounts? this scared me a bit and it's importance was furthered by two separate happenings. 1) muppets from space, gonzo and kermit, gonzo almost leaving and then deciding that his friends were his home. 2) gail heffner literally said to me, "you just want to make sure that after you graduate you keep living with people that will push you to grow and not become stagnant in self-interest." so basically i don't know how i got this way. more and more i've been remembering why i loved japan- the privacy and consideration of it all is so attractive. just positioning yourself into a place of perpetual humility and bowing. stepping backwards. overly considerate. social harmony. i'm sure this would get to me, but right now the idea of human beings coexisting in such harmony sounds remarkable and i'd love to be a part of it, especially when buursma is slamming doors and zipping his backpack in the morning.

estranged laptop, sleeping with an octopus, fight the filth- keep the kitchen clean

For some reason, I've been realizing how different my relationship with this computer machine is. I used to find solace in it, turning to its keys for therapy and comfort; turning to its music for inspiration and nostalgia; turning to its connection for joy and understanding. However, I have felt very disconnected from this laptop since returning from Thailand. I forget I have it. I don't consider listening to music and I'm not as excited as I once was. I don't think to cathartically express each thought in its own sticky box. This change is strange for me. 

Talking with dad yesterday was interesting. I had forgotten, as I always do, what living in Glenview felt like. Values are dramatically different, days are structured around different events, people talk about different ideas, the physical space we live in and how we interact with it is different, entertainment is different, the energy is different.

Generally, since I've been back and since school has begun, I have felt out of sorts. I am not moved in to my bedroom, the house seems a work in progress, my mind hasn't yet come to terms with taking classes, but my relationships seem in order. I have been focusing on spending time with people- cooking good meals, sharing them, visiting founders and friends' social functions. It may be unbalanced, but how I make these decisions isn't even questioned for me. Homework just has to fit around having dinner with Alexander and Mitchell. Never would it be the other way around. 

'tchell's protein intake and how that leads to the G20 and my angry reactionary motivation. 

Also, I just emailed Broene about getting a therapist. 

Anna & Toby, Evan & Jordan, thought for food

Trained out to Devner, drove back 17 hours with Anna and Toby, had a crazy evening last night consisting of:

All 3 Hoover children,

Lauren Dillon,

a nice dinner,

Evan returning,

Lindsay and I making signs for Evan's returning,

Lindsay telling stories about meeting the Bears,

Peter and I dumpster diving, listening to Sigur Ros, getting pulled over, and Robyn getting excited about it.

Stephanie is canceling her phone plan and i'm a little worried about her- she is always so discontent and i can't imagine her ever being happy. she's also really irresponsible and i dont know if that's a gift or a vice. probably both.

i haven't done any planning for the puppet show- 1. stop motion, 2. dream machine, 3. cosmia

something needs to happen. hopefully ev can help me put something tangible together.

i have 3 jobs (through the slc) in the fall and i'm stressed about organizing the community garden. i'm gonna do a bad job, i can just tell. shit. at least i got that organic growing vegetable book.

i wonder if we'll do our pilgramage. i found information about boats and they're expensive. but it looks like they at least exist, so that's good.

thinking about next year and the future, i could be in GR (ngo? americorps? other?), I could be doing peace corps (doubt it), teach english somewhere (kindof doubt it), I want to live in the netherlands sometime but I dont know how unrealistic that is... probably extremely unrealistic, or i could just wwoof all over the place... but that doesn't pay the bills... I am hestitant thinking about the future because I don't know how to factor my friends into my plans. I could easily go off somewhere by myself, that is for sure.

i just need to farm to better understand and prepare to be a farmer,

i need to live in europe to see how paths are made and bridges are built and reasonability is lived,

i need to save money,

i need to figure out a way to speak some other language because english is lame,

i need to live in community and be surrounded by lovers.

red wine, 150 moving away party, lukedot

it is amazing and disturbing how much my perception of this space has changed. this house- my interactions with it, my familiarity with it. i remember it feeling so astranged from human life (something a home should be intimately connected to) and so overwhelmingly large. i couldn't keep track of it, it's energy was too much to keep in my conscious at once.

however, after hosting that party today and feeling more ownership of this place, i realized how comfortable i've become here. i am able to see myself existing in this place and i've adapted into a realm of functionality- it's amazing. given enough time, we people can adjust to just about any space.

1st day running, should get a planner, riceboy sleeps

pedriac (specific living plan)

william's culture (childhood suburban vs prarie... creativity, human development)

aging (narrowed focus, outcome assumtions, innocence?)

the violence of everything i'm surrounded with is overwhelming. and my pretending only makes my sensitivity to this violence even worse. there are latino workers in our back yard right now, pulling up bricks and laying different ones. we had breakfast yesterday with anna and bryan (robyn's flapjacks, bacon/corn/fossil fuels, hormone-pumped underdeveloped eggs, rye toast 19 days old (but preserved by science), butter made of corn and chemicals, orange juice from florida (harvested and squeezed by immigrants), and god knows what else). the workers were in the back yard, the windows and doors were open, and we sat down for this meal in utter silence. there was only a clatter of bricks out back that robyn's disgusted face was all too aware of. it was in that moment that i knew kevin could never come over and neither could siekmeier. they wouldn't be able to bear it, the extremity of this life. nothing is real here. everyone is so wrapped up in themselves and their own wealth that any notion of pure justice, goodness, actuality is blotted and drowned out. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of having to explain myself, having to appologize, having to repress every other word and thought. i feel dead, nothing is okay. robyn is not green, my father is not wise, william is not alive, peter is not himself. i hate this.

i had a vision while we were camping- a vision of some kind of shelter where i was able to dwell in peace and truth. there was a garden of flowers, an apron, wild mushrooms, stephanie visiting, music, community, love, honest and open communication, simplicity, no sexual expectations or lines, comfortable, real, human. everything that is not this.

but at the same time, as i am more and more aware of social inequality just outside the front door, i feel more and more pressed to not isolate myself.

lifestyle a: everything is how i want it, and i'm not connected tothe poor. i'm just living in community with people like me, and we're not active in society.

lifestyle b: i apply my desires to live this way to social justice. refugees, immigrants, the poor in spirit. this is why i either need to learn spanish or keep up my thai. and learn french.

atonement, noftzger, train tracks are federal property

i need to write about

my father's true self,

ben's playing bloc party while my dad was around/calling me out on shit,

nate's felt pressure. (because i care)

Dad- I've been meaning to tell you this for some time now. I hope you understand my words and they are sensible and good. This message isn't for other people, it is for you. It doesn't make sense for other people, it makes sense for you. Please understand that I love you, I am your son, and I know you- I have been watching you since I was young and able to be attentive.

Dad, I hope you never learn to text message. It is a useless, silly, fleeting means of feigned communication that you musn't waste your concentration on (your fingers were made like they are, not to press cell phone buttons, but to touch wood and make things). That also goes for learning to work switches and buttons and screens and remotes. I hope you never have to be wearied by these ridiculous technologies. Don't listen to all the words around you, please, and feel obligated to have and utalize these luxuries/burdens. They are simply expensive, meaningless jewels that demand your attention, time, and life. They will break and rust, and spending time trying to understand them will not enrich your life. You know this is true.

You don't need power windows in the car (they just break and are fussy. and how would you fix that?). The house should be colder in the winter time (put on a sweater) and hotter in the summer time (you shouldn't have to wear socks).

You are not a business man. Your feet don't even physically fit into a business man's shoes- this should be reason enough. You don't like the surface-level, silly, fake conversations that are steeped in pride, feelings of entitlement, and greed. You like talking with the humble men and women of this world- those with their feet on the ground. Those who serve. Those who are in love. Those who you love and those who love you, who would sacrifice and give without question. That is where the poor in spirit lie. A community of believers with melted hearts, seeking to bring redemtion to creation (through action) instead of seeking to keep themselves comfortable. You were not made for spread sheets, business meetings, and financial goals/management/gain.

You are meticulous and organized because that's what it takes to carve a chest of drawers. You love working with your hands, not with post-it's and dollars and cents. You are a carpenter. You love the natural simplicity of creation- the outdoors. Taking a walk, dragging dead branches, watching the bats bring night in, listening to thunder with a cigar, laughing at pea-brained squirrels, smelling sycamore leaves falling, watering tomatoes, setting charlotte loose in a field.

You love simplicity because it makes sense, because it is good, because it's what Christ loves.

Sorry if any of this offended you, but someone needed to say it.

sunken river ship, summer cocktail, broken bose

pittsburgh, pennsylvania: over 900 bridges (according to chacha), intimidating and proud residents, many different kinds of friends.
i've sweat a lot since i've been here. first it was because of seeing colin again. second was because i felt confused and overwhelmed. third because i was seeing mickey again. fourth because i didn't know how i was getting back home. but now all (most) of those issues have passed- 'time is a healer', as they say.
{ stephanie josephina }- -good. positive. i'm glad we're together right now.
{ mickey humpula }- -interesting, good, okay, unexpected, understandable. i have mostly been surprised at how two people can be isolated on a farm as workers like we were, get to know each other pretty well, separate (because we both have lives to lead, i guess), then connect again like we are supposed to connect again. riding around the city with him has been just a surprise at how connections between two hearts can be made and remembered. i'm sure we could have never seen each other again and it would have been unspoken and alright, but that hasn't happened. whatever connected us was apparently strong enough to keep us reasonably present in each other's minds. interesting. i wonder what it's for and what it will lead to.
{ colin dinsmore albright }- -ssaowuehflksdcniwyefbnwodcmowuebgnfvoijwmeociwoefubijn
i set up my bed near his, but he moved his because he wanted to play music and i couldn't sleep and i wanted my head to be not higher than his and i wanted to be there, but it wasn't good and i couldn't sleep well anyway, so i moved downstairs. we're not going to connect. he was why i came here. i'm disappointed. maybe there's nothing to connect about- why should i expect to connect with another person just because i expect to? that doesn't make any sense.

went to waynsburgh with ben,kevin,heidi,heather. went to groovies, saw transformers, made gooseberry pie, slept outside, made a fire, got my hair cut, met jeremy czec, and it was important and positive.

rozzin, coat of many colors, sparrows

there was just a moment when i was reading a healthy email from megan smith, listening to music in the sparrows window, and saw natalie ride by with a saw tied to her back. it was at that moment that i loved my life.

summer fish house, johnny's coffee, texting in thai

founders brought me jen smeage, rachel from the farm, rachelle, the new girl from alaska. talking with jill devries is much more entertaining after 1.5 beers. we left morgan+crusties at a house show barreling toward destruction and noise. (i came home later to gashes in the floors and police footprints)

the present is here and it isn't awesome. becoming aware of time and change by recalling past experiences or looking at photos or seeing old friends compells me to also take note of the present. usually i see myself further, smarter, larger, more reasonable, more attractive. i don't know why this is- lots of it is probably a false sense of progression and security, but regardless, i'm very aware right now of how much i don't feel better. i'm not on top of my social life, what i'm wearing, what i'm listening to, what i'm 'into'. maybe this is good for me, but i don't feel confident. i don't feel apart, and i dont feel inspired.

ryne is another one of those striking human presences.

417's a mess, beirut's venice, mitchell's away

wendel barry's manifesto

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

i saw this written on a strip of birch bark, hanging on the wall in tchell's room. he is thinking about this. so much attention and concentration to create that- the words must have been necessary to write down. this whole idea of having to read mitchell through anything but his spoken word is a skill i have learned to develop. it is by noticing the birch bark poems, the sticky notes, and the books open on his desk that i understand how he is. like laying clues, he leaves open pieces of his heart in subtle places for people to find. often friends are frustrated because he isn't blatant and vocal about this thoughts and emotions, but these friends shouldn't loose heart. he is expressive.

the house is a wreck. unkept, abused, and irresponsible use of a blessing. i'm embarrased to call this place home sometimes- i don't have any other place to call home.

matt noticed the bookshelves being cleaned straight away.

nof listens to me talk about the burdens of my family. the death of my sister and father.

heidi, lydia, ben are all separated individual people who are unable to understand their thoughts and actions alone, but there is no one else around them who listens and supports and encourages and loves. no one is letting each other in- this is what i've encountered so far.

venice sounds like sensitivity to change. photographic paper's sensitivity to light, eyes' sensitivity to the midday sun, a person's sensitivity to a change in another person, photosynthesis.

carabou coffee, green headphones, back from asia

need to live opposite from this,

planting trees from asia is the same thing as starfruit in february.

should I attempt to live around chicago for family, or do they not actually want to live simply

dad being frustrated with the complexities of technological living compared to villagers needing to adapt their way of live for injustices imposed on them.